Traveling with a family member can be an invigorating yet challenging experience, especially when the family member in question has recently faced a potential tragedy, and you’ve become estranged from them. This is the dilemma faced by the co-protagonist of A Real Pain, David Kaplan (Jesse Eisenberg). On a trip to Poland, David must confront his family’s heritage while dealing with the eccentricities and hyperactive behavior of his cousin, Benji Kaplan (Kieran Culkin).
On the surface, David and Benji share a mutual love for their recently deceased grandmother and the memories they have of her, along with their childhood experiences. They are both nominally Jewish, although the film makes it clear that neither is particularly devout or observant. Benji is outspoken and upfront about his views on almost anything, while David is quiet, observant, and reserved in social settings. Benji seems to have retained the same rambunctious personality he had as a youth, whereas David now has a wife, a child, and a steady career in New York City as a digital marketer.
Following their grandmother’s death, Benji struggles to find his footing in adulthood. He works odd jobs in Binghamton, New York, and lives in his mother’s basement. Though less mature and socially aware than David, Benji is full of life and feels emotions more intensely. He has no filter, makes no apologies for it, and leaves a lasting impression on everyone he meets much to David’s frustration of not being able to do the same.
Despite not seeing each other for months after a distressing event in Benji’s life, the cousins decide to embark on a heritage trip to Poland. They join a group of American Jews to learn more about their ancestry and the circumstances surrounding their family’s departure from Nazi-occupied Poland. The group also includes other descendants of survivors with roots in Poland. The tour is efficiently led by a non-Jewish guide, who does an excellent job recounting the history of Polish Jews before World War II, the lead-up to the Holocaust, and the exodus of those who managed to survive. However, Benji finds the guide’s focus on statistics and dates robotic and disconnected from the lives of the people who were lost.
Benji’s outbursts during the tour seem socially inappropriate to David, displaying a lack of respect for the guide and the other participants. However, Benji’s emotional authenticity eventually wins over the group by the end of the tour. Unlike others on the trip, he refuses to numb himself to the pain of what they are witnessing and expresses his feelings freely without concern for others’ judgment. While his emotional instability troubles some on the tour, it also makes him memorable. Benji turns what could have been a somber and overwhelming experience into something more meaningful reminding everyone what it feels like to be truly alive.
In contrast, David hesitates to smoke a joint on the hotel roof, voice a critique during the tour, or even have a drink to relax after a long day. Meanwhile, Benji has no reservations about doing any of those things. Benji embraces life’s highs and lows, even when it leaves him emotionally unsteady, while David seeks stability and strives to remain even keeled through life’s challenges and opportunities. Despite his efforts, David feels let down by his job and struggles with doubts about how much his family truly loves him. Benji, on the other hand, is too immersed in the moment, sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse. The cousins admire yet resent each other throughout the film. Growing up in similar circumstances, they’ve ended up leading vastly different lives due to their contrasting personalities. While they can enjoy each other’s company, they also tire of one another quickly. Each character envies what the other has but is fiercely protective of their own lifestyle.
A Real Pain explores the concept of pain in a nuanced way: the pain of losing a loved one, the pain of dealing with a challenging family member, and the generational pain of having a family’s future stolen. The film captures how different people cope with these pains: David, Benji, the other tour participants, and even the tour guide, as they confront the events of the Holocaust, visit a Polish Jewish cemetery, and tour the Majdanek concentration camp. The message is clear: to cope with pain healthily, we must face it head-on in our own way. This journey of confronting pain is essential for building our resilience and strength.
Pain is what connects us to our humanity, reminding us that we are truly alive. During the trip, Benji recounts a painful memory: their grandmother once slapped him in a New York City restaurant because he arrived late for dinner. She had dressed up for the occasion, and the public slap left Benji feeling real pain. However, he acknowledges that this act of accountability, though hurtful, came from a place of love. Benji yearns for this kind of tough love from others, particularly from David. He craves someone who can hold him back from his impulsive tendencies, showing him care and affection in the process.
A poignant moment in the film occurs when David and Benji visit their late grandmother’s former house in Poland. The home is now owned by another family, and any traces of the Kaplans’ presence have long vanished. In a touching gesture, David places a stone in front of the house to honor their grandmother’s memory. However, the moment takes a humorous yet bittersweet turn when an elderly Polish man chastises them. He misunderstands their intention, believing the stone was placed maliciously to cause harm to the current elderly resident. Despite their efforts to explain the Jewish tradition of placing stones as a memorial to remember their deceased grandmother, the older man remains unconvinced despite his son’s English to Polish translation of their reasoning for having placed the stone there. Feeling awkward about the entire encounter, David and Benji decide to take the stone with them when they leave Poland.
In a beautifully symbolic gesture upon his return to New York, David later places the stone at the entrance of his Brooklyn home, where he lives with his wife and child. This act underscores the universal idea that “home is where the heart is.” While the memory of the family’s life in Poland has faded, their grandmother’s legacy endures. Her journey as an immigrant to America, striving to build a new life for her family while preserving her Jewish identity, continues to inspire her descendants, including David and Benji.
As the film concludes, the audience is left wondering about the futures of David and Benji’s relationship and their individual paths. The heritage trip and their shared memories of their grandmother seem to strengthen their bond. The film suggests that, despite their differences, family is ultimately the one thing you can rely upon in life. While Benji and David drive each other crazy, they also admire and need each other. The hope is that they will continue to support one another, bringing balance to each other’s lives with David finding more spontaneity and emotional authenticity, and Benji discovering greater stability and purpose.
