Category: politeness

Be Interested and Be Interesting

“How might you ask can you take a typical ‘small talk’ and make it interesting? Well, you should be able to show some humility by being interested in who they are by asking them some questions.”

Making small talk can be a necessary yet tedious part of daily life. It sometimes may not come naturally to you, and it can be forced at times. However, it is a courteous and polite way to get to know people who are complete strangers to you and to show that you are not oblivious to their presence around you. While ‘small talk’ often revolves around the weather, a simple ‘hello, how are you?’ or just mentioning something about the time of day, the commute to work or school, or maybe a small compliment to brighten their day, it can sometimes lead to a good conversation and even a new friend.

How might you ask can you take a typical ‘small talk’ and make it interesting? Well, you should be able to show some humility by being interested in who they are by asking them some questions. You can take a general comment on the weather to ask if they are used to that kind of weather or if it is new for them. That can lead to a talk about their hometown or where they currently live or if they are just visiting on travel. You would be surprised how a seemingly small question can lead to a wide-ranging and deeper conversation. A comment about the traffic or commute to your work can lead to a discussion on what could be improved about the roads, the transportation options, or if remote work would make things easier for you and the other person.

Even just asking for the time of the day can lead you to asking about their watch (if they have one), if their day is going well or not, and perhaps a comment on if the day is going fast or slow for them since we can tend to perceive time’s passing differently from one another. Key to taking ‘small talk’ to what could be considered ‘medium talk’, or a genuine conversation is to listen intently, wait until they are finished speaking, and follow up with a question or a comment relevant to what they told you.

If you are in a rush, are having a bad day, or are just not in the mood to continue the conversation, you can let it end after the ‘small talk’ or pleasant greeting or two. However, if you feel like you would like to get to know the other person or group of people better, make sure to listen, let them finish, and ask a question about them (within reason), or like the general comment(s) you made, and keep the conversation going for a while longer.

You should not have to do all the work in the conversation and if it is running its course, politely excuse yourself and say goodbye and that it was nice to meet them. Conversations naturally start and end but if you would like to be more social, make a new friend, or just put yourself out there in the world more, you must ‘be interested’ in those around you. You should do your best to refrain from making the conversation all about you at first and what you’re up to. Naturally, that should make its way into the conversation but if you started talking to this person, you would like to get to know them more, then, I believe you should be interested in who they are, find out more about them, and get to know them beyond just the time of the day, the weather forecast, or how their day is generally going.

Even if you feel like you don’t know much about their work, school, hobbies, interests, or where they are from, it shouldn’t prevent the conversation from continuing as you can show curiosity about their background and try to learn more about them from themselves. If there is anything I have learned about my own social life, people like to talk about themselves and will be happy to answer questions about themselves if done in a polite and respectful manner. It’s important to know someone’s boundaries especially if they are still somewhat of a stranger to you but usually, they’ll be willing to share a lot about who they are, where they are from, what they like to do in their free time, and what gets them excited about life in general.

If you feel like your social life could use a boost, I recommend being more interested in others and you should start to feel like you’re making progress in your conversations. Now, it should not be so one sided that they know nothing about you as that would be a bit odd as they’ll likely want to ask you the same questions in response. The conversation should not feel like a one-sided interrogation or a job interview. There should be a natural give and take where you both are interested in each other and you are letting each other answer questions, talk about possible mutual interests, and even discussing if your personal backgrounds overlap at all.

The 2nd part of a successful beginning of any kind of positive first impression is to ‘be interesting’, which I know is a broad statement to make but you should have things to talk about to that person. You should know a little bit about where you’re from, talk about what excites you about life whether that’s a particular hobby, interest, or activity you like to do. Your life will often involve work or school or both at the same time, but I would recommend making yourself interesting beyond what you do to make a living. If you like traveling, let the person ask you about where you’ve been. If you enjoy learning languages, discuss which ones. If you like to build bird houses or molding ceramic pottery, discuss the process(es) involved in getting either activity done.

While you should be interested in other people to get to know them and have interesting conversations, don’t be shy to discuss who you are in return. You should have a life that is beyond work or school even if it is a large part of our lives. If you don’t have many hobbies or interests, perhaps pivot to what goal(s) you have for the future. It is easier when you have a lot on going on in terms of your outside interests, activities, or hobbies, so that is where the ’be interesting’ comes into play.

You don’t have to be doing something cool, exciting, or fascinating every day, but I find it is easier to build a friendship or relationship when you can share something that you are passionate about and can even include them in on. Whether it is traveling together, going on a hike, building something out of wood or metal, or maybe playing a sport, you can show you are an interesting individual. You can also show that you are inclusive too by allowing yourself to show that hobby or interest to the other person and see if they would enjoy doing that with you as a result. They can also let you join in on what they enjoy doing as well giving you a new hobby or interest that you can learn more about, partake in, and build upon with that other person as well.

Being social may not come naturally or easily to some of us but I think a good way to make it easier is to ‘be interested’ in who they are, what they do, and how they came to be who they are today. Once you do that, you can show that you can ‘be interesting’ with what you enjoy doing in life and that you would like them to be involved or help them learn about it and see if it is something they want to try. I think these are two good ways to be better socially and can lead you to building stronger friendships and relationships as a result.

The Power of Saying ‘No’

“As much as we like to say ‘yes’, it’s important to know that saying ‘no’ is just as important and even just as powerful.”

There is nothing wrong with saying ‘No’ to someone else. Saying ‘No’ has a negative connotation but it can be worth its weight as much as saying ‘Yes.’ There is a main reason why we have both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ in English language vocabulary. There are times in our life when we can say ‘yes’ but we also have to moderate our impulse to say, ‘yes’ to things, people, and other commitments by balancing it out with the ‘no’s.’ As much as we like to say ‘yes’, it’s important to know that saying ‘no’ is just as important and even just as powerful.

When it comes to saying ‘no’, you do not want to overdo it either but it’s best to moderate your ‘no’s and to pick when and where to use that word. As you get older in life, the ‘no’ should be more often and the key hump to get over is to have any shame or remorse for saying ‘no.’ Psychologically, it’s much easier to say, ‘yes’ than it is to say ‘no’, but I would argue the ‘no’ needed to happen rather than a false ‘yes.’ Often, a truthful ‘no’ will be much better for you and other people than a fake ‘yes’, which could do much more harm. People don’t like to hear ‘no’s’ but rather than to embellish people with false yes’s, you must be firm with them and make the ‘no’ part of your vocabulary with them, even if they are friends or family of yours.

While others would not like to hear ‘no’, it is best not to lead them on when you’re not interested in anything related to business to doing favors to getting into a relationship. Honesty is part of the power of saying ‘no’ and if that person truly values you, they won’t be bothered by hearing the ‘no.’ A good litmus test for knowing how much someone cares about you is their reaction when you are bound to tell them ‘no’ at some point for one reason or another. If they give you a hard time in giving them a sincere ‘no’, it may be best to not be around them as much. The person(s) you say ‘no’ to, even if they are family or friends, should be mature and responsible enough to take the ‘no’ well and to understand that the ‘no’ itself is not a reflection of them as people but what they may be asking or telling you to do. If you disagree, have reservations about, don’t find it appealing, or don’t have time for it, it is best to say ‘no.’

When you tell other people ‘no’, you should always be firm but also do be as gentle as possible. It does not have to lead into a confrontation or an argument either. A good ‘no’ can be followed up with ‘that’s the way I feel’ or ‘sorry but it’s not possible, or ‘that is not something I’m interested in.’ Saying ‘no’ should never be seen as being disrespectful, rude, or condescending because it does not need to be as such. If you want to still be on good terms with someone like a friend or family, you can express your regret or disappointment on having to say ‘no’ depending on the ask or request. You don’t have to do that, but it can soften the blow, which may be important in salvaging the relationship or friendship for the long-term. In that relation to the other person or people, if the ‘yes’s outweigh the ‘no’s, the ‘no’ won’t be as big of a deal too. They should balance each other out but it is good to mix them up in order to have no ‘no’s at all or too many ‘yes’s back to back.

Most importantly, having the power to say ‘no’ not just every now and then but whenever you feel like it is crucial. You should not feel nervous or anxious about saying ‘no’ and to be ready to do so at any time. As we get older, we must be prepared to say ‘no’ more and more often. Time is limited as well as the chance to foster relationships, friendships, or job / business opportunities. If something does not sound that appealing to you at first, it’s best to have a firm ‘no’ for it rather to waste either your time or your money.

It’s likely in life that you’ll regret the ‘no’s you didn’t say rather than the ones that you did say ‘no’ too. There are plenty of charlatans, liars, scammers, fakers, and crooks out there and you need to be ready to say ‘no’ to them. Instead of saying ‘yes’ too many times, be more comfortable in saying ‘no’ especially if your heart, mind, or body are not into the idea. Unless you are enthusiastic or thrilled by the idea, thing, or even the person, a preemptive ‘no’ will make you better off in the long run. There is a power in saying ‘yes’ but there is also an equal if not more important power of saying ‘no’ especially if you are worried about losing precious time or valuable money or other resources.

Most of all, you should do your best to think deeply or weigh the ‘yes or no’ decisions as much as possible. Lose the impulse to give either a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ quickly unless you do not have the time or place to think it through first. Not controlling your impulses when it comes to saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ can cost you both in the short-term or in the long-run. Be sure to have the power to say ‘no’ but remember to think it through carefully first before giving the ‘no’ to someone or something. Also, as I mentioned before, please be sure to phrase the ‘no’ in a polite or respectful manner. It’s not so much that you said ‘no’ at all but if you do it in the wrong way or with the wrong tone, you may risk losing that person or thing you care about forever.