Retaining The Ability to Connect

How many times have you been out, either alone or with a friend or family member, and you have noticed in the café or restaurant a couple or a group of people just staring at their phones rather than each other? I’ve noticed this occurring multiple times and more often than not in the past year or so. Now, it’s not great to be out in public on your own on your phone either but it seems rather ironic to be out in public with a friend or a family member and you are both on your phone at the same time rather than living in the moment and being engaged with each other instead of their device.

It’s one thing as well for friends to be on their phones at the same time perhaps to keep up with their other friends but it’s quite silly for me to see couples out in public staring down at their phones when they should be connecting with each other. What is the point of going out to a café or to a restaurant or any other public place if you would rather interact with your handheld device than the person sitting right in front of you?

I can see if one of the two or more people in the group need to respond or send a text, check on a work e-mail, or take an important call but it is quite ridiculous when both people or all people in the group have nothing better to do than to look at their phones. There are a number of ways that I want to suggest in this article on how to retain that important ability to connect with another person especially out in public rather than connecting on social media, be social yourself with the person(s) you are with.

1.The Lost Art of People Watching: There is really something to be said about just wondering what other people are doing and checking out how they are going about their daily lives. Now, I am not suggesting you and your group or friend(s) just stare at somebody and make them uncomfortable. That’s not it at all. What I would recommend is to really just watch how people go running, cook your food, clean up the streets, deal with other restaurant patrons, etc.

For example, if you are at a park with someone else, it’s nice to make conversation about the joggers, the musicians, the frisbee players, the traffic police, etc. It’s a good way to stay engaged in conversation without turning to the phone to be entertained. Watching the world go by is a pleasurable activity and it can make you appreciate the rhythms of daily life. You should not be ‘people watching’ so intently that you make those who know they are being watched notice you doing so! Try to do so casually and without staring too intently. That’s a good way to do it in the mature way.

2. Leave the Phones at Home: What better way to have a good time with somebody then to leave the phone at home. It can be mutually agreed upon beforehand and you can both figure out where to meet up the old-fashioned way: by consulting a map or checking Google before leaving the house. It is really easy to leave the phone at home when you have the logistics squared away in terms of time, date, and where to meet. It’s also easier by car as well when you can leave the phone in your car for the two or three hours you are spending with them and can come back to it later to help you navigate home.

This is a really underrated way of maintaining that personal connection with someone and also strengthening it by flexing that resistance muscle and resisting the temptation of the phone by putting it both out of sight and at least, temporarily out of mind. I think both of you will be glad to rid yourselves of the phone for a few hours or even a whole day and the conversation and the activity will be much more rewarding. You will also remember what happened a lot more because you just were that much more engaged in what was happening because that person and the activity you did together had your full and undivided attention.

3. One Phone, One Group: If you feel the need to compromise about phones in a group, a good way to fix the issue or at least put a stopgap to it is have one phone for everybody in the sense that you are using that phone for everybody to see or use such as making a quick phone call away from the group, checking out travel pictures together, or doing a fun game through an application. Instead of everyone bringing their phones to the group meetup, if one person does it, you’ll have to share and be social about it. Obviously, you do not want others to see your private text messages and contacts on your personal phone but there are ways to do it and still be secure in having others use it.

I really do suggest having some group games on there or using it for showing off pictures and talking about travel or activity plans that you have all done. Another way to be social about a phone is to hook it up to somebody’s speaker and listen to different music together. It can even be some kind of a game where each person chooses a different song in a circle-like setting and your friends or family have to guess the musical artist or the name of the song itself. Being social and using your phone do not have to be separate from each other but the best way to make that happen is to only have one phone per group rather than one phone per person if you want to keep that ability to connect.

4. Enjoy the Silence and Nature: If you have been out with someone or a group for a few hours and you all happen to run out of things to say to each other, don’t go back to the phone! Instead, simply enjoy the silence and each other’s company. You do not have to fill every waking moment together with a witty remark or a sarcastic joke. Sometimes, it’s nice to be alone in your thoughts, people watching together, or just living in the moment and enjoying the ambiance of the place where you are at. This also applies to enjoying nature especially if you are outdoors. You both or the group will not need your phones when you are listening to the birds chirping, watching the monkeys climb to the peak of the trees, or checking out the beautiful mountain or sea view vistas.

You may say, “well, Ben, how can I enjoy nature when I do not have my phone to take a picture of the beauty?” That’s a good question but there’s an easy and simple solution to that problem as well. It’s known as bringing a camera that you like and rely upon and practice taking real photographs. I think it’s often better to take pictures of nature and scenery with a real camera than your phone even though camera phones have become quite popular. Practicing your photography skills with a real camera is a great way to use the tip well and to your advantage.

Photography can be a group activity and will allow both of you or your whole group to take better pictures, enjoy the nature around you, and listen carefully for the silence of the world around you. Lastly, you do not always have to be talking with each other to be connected. That is a false construct invented by our culture really that you have to be engaged with each other socially by always talking. Friends and/or loved ones of many years know so much about each other that they can really be there with one another in silence without filling the void with a conversation 100% of the time.

5. Shame the Phone User(s): This tip will be the most controversial of my suggestions, but I stand by it as having done so myself on a few occasions. The best way to avoid two people from using their phone at one time is to shame politely the first person who pulls out their phone first. Now, ‘shame’ has a negative connotation as it should have in our culture but a little dose of shame in my opinion is not the worst thing in the world especially when what that person is doing is impolite or inconsiderate. If the person you are out with, especially on a date, is constantly checking their phone every five minutes or is not engaged with you socially, then you have the right to shame them for it and ask them to stop.

If they continue with that kind of behavior, instead of doing it right back to them and escalating the tensions, it would be best to just say goodbye and let them know that you don’t appreciate them being on their phone. There are sometimes in life when you have to be both direct and firm with those who are in your social circle, even friends and family members. Respect is a key component in any relationship so if that person doesn’t value you enough to put their phone away like you are for an hour or even more unless it’s an emergency, then they simply do not deserve your time or the money spent to hang out together. Shaming the phone user in public when you’re with them is principally about setting healthy boundaries which are key in our relationships.

Also, you should hold yourself to the same standards and put the phone away as well lest that person you’re with get offended, walk away, or shame you into being more socially conscientious. Turn the phone off, put it in a locker, tell them that text or Instagram message can wait but above all else, shame them politely and remind them that we should be connecting and enjoying each other’s company and not off in a virtual world with other people. Maintaining that sense of cordiality will ensure better relationships and less wasted time staring at your phones in public.

Our healthy and lasting relationships are a key part of our mental health and our outlook on life. I believe that social media is still making us less social and while these networks do connect people on the surface, they do not foster deep friendships or relationships. Social media are like the gateways to having connections with others but you and only you are responsible for fostering and harvesting those connections to grow and become deeply rooted over time. You and the other person(s) who want to connect must do your best to put your phones away and focus on connecting directly by following some or all of these tips I have suggesting especially keeping the phone out of sight and out of mind temporarily.

Flexing your willpower and retaining that ability to connect will make you a happier and a healthier person overall. Your attention span is likely to improve as well as your friendships and/or relationships. I also believe and the research would show that your anxiety, feelings of depression, or of loneliness will decrease the more time you spend connecting with a person in person instead of through a virtual network. This ability to retain deep connections with people is a profound struggle in this age of instant yet flighty connections.

There are easy ways to counteract this trend though by letting go of the temptation when possible, embracing the silence and the natural world, and by politely reminding the person(s) you are with how it is good social etiquette to give someone their undivided attention when you are together in a public place or setting. If you struggle or have a setback, do not beat yourself up too much about it. Keep doing your best, lessen your use of your phone in the first place, and let the people in your life know how much they mean to you by giving them more of your attention and your love.

‘Sideways’ – Film Review and Analysis

notdrinkingmerlot
“Miles is not drinking any Merlot!”

Sideways (2004) is an excellent film about the topsy-turvy nature of middle-age life and how to cope with the curveballs that life throws at us to challenge us. Critically acclaimed at the time and nominated for many awards, Sideways, directed by Alexander Payne is a good tale about male friendship, how to deal with mid-life problems, and finding love and purpose during difficult times.

The very title of the film ‘Sideways’ is symbolic of the best way in which wine bottles should be preserved by being laid on its’ side in order to age properly. Also, men and women who are going through their mid-life ‘sideways’ must embrace the challenges that lie ahead and the changes that come to them with this part of life in order to grow and mature as a person.

The basic premise of the film ‘Sideways’ involves two middle-aged men who are close friends, Miles Raymond (played by Paul Giamatti) and Jack Cole (starring Thomas Haden Church) that decide to take a week long Bachelor’s trip up to the wine country of Napa Valley in California to celebrate Jack’s upcoming wedding and the end of his singledom. Both of these men are in their forties and have a sinking feeling that the best of life is behind them.

Miles is in a depressive state due to the fact that he feels like a failed writer due to the uncertain future success of his yet-to-be published book. While he has a steady job as a high school English teacher, he feels unfulfilled by his life and wants to achieve greater success as a novelist but has yet to break through. On top of that, he has gone through a recent divorce that he has yet to recover from fully and is newly single.

Luckily or unluckily for Miles, he has a friend, Jack, who is hoping to have a good time for his last few days as a single man. Jack Cole, Miles’ friend is an actor who may be past his prime. While he used to be a TV soap opera star years ago, now, he is mostly relegated to doing voiceovers for silly commercials and seems to be getting tired of the acting business. Jack loves his fiancé but has the problem of not being able to control him when it comes to women.

Unlike Miles, Jack is not a big wine connoisseur and is more into playing golf and hooking up with a local woman before he takes those fateful steps down the aisle. Jack is hoping to not screw up his marriage but he obviously misses the single life while his friend, Miles dreads being single again. Jack may love his fiancée but he is also hoping to get involved with the real estate business that his soon-to-be father-in-law is running in Los Angeles, which Jack wants to be apart of in order to get away from acting once and for all.

Beyond just writing novels and teaching his students, Miles’s true passion in life is wine, which is why he proposes Jack that they go to Napa Valley to drink some great wine, play some golf, and eat some good food together. While Jack enjoys all of those activities, he has other plans in mind for his last days as a single guy leading to hilarious and disturbing results for the both of them. Before Jack wants to get married, he wants one last fling as a ‘single’ guy before he becomes the husband to his wife. In the meantime, Miles encounters a woman he never expected to meet.

Maya, (played by Virginia Madsen), is a kind and intelligent waitress at a local restaurant in Napa Valley known as ‘The Hitching Post II.’ She is someone who Miles has encountered before during his previous solo trips to Napa Valley. While they were friendly to each other, it’s only on this Bachelor’s trip to the wine country where Miles with the help of Jack’s support gets to know Maya better. Maya and Miles really hit it off with each other especially over their shared love of good wine and they start to develop a relationship.

Luckily for Jack, Maya knows a local wine keeper, Stephanie, (played by Sharon Oh), who has a lot of the characteristics that Jack likes in a woman. The two men end up dating and hooking up with both women but with unforeseen and negative consequences. Jack’s adulterous philandering almost catches up with him and causes Miles a lot of unneeded stress. Miles also suffers during this trip from the lack of hope for his novel in finding a publisher to sell and advertise it.

He also struggles to give up on his ex-wife, Vicki, who he did cheat on leading to their divorce and breakup. The almost breaking point for Miles comes when he finds out that his ex-wife, Vicki, got re-married and has a newborn daughter causing him to regret his divorce from her. While his wife has moved on from him, he still struggles with the fact that his book is going nowhere, he is single in his 40’s, and has no legacy or children at the moment.

Despite all of mid-life struggles that both Miles and Jack go through during the film, they remain loyal and true friends despite the pain and suffering they cause each other. Miles and Jack are almost complete opposites of each other in terms of their personality and character. Miles is serious yet forlorn and an intelligent, well-spoken man while Jack is a cocky womanizer who never really grew out of his teenage years.

However, despite their differences from each other, they do help lift each other out from their problems. Jack gives Miles encouragement to keep working on his novel and to self-publish it if he has to. He wants Miles to succeed at starting a relationship with Maya and really gets him to start going out with her. Miles saves Jack from himself multiple times throughout the film and even though Jack’s integrity is compromised, Miles is there to clean up the damage and makes sure that his friend follows through on his marriage commitment to his fiancée, Stephanie.

Every character in this film is flawed in some way and even though each of them, both men and women, are in their forties, they still have some growing up to do and don’t have everything figured out when it comes to life. Each of these characters has their own personal demons with Miles having depression and a lack of success in his passion and Jack being an adulterer and a compulsive liar.

While they are not perfect men and the women they are involved with make that clear to them, they are still good guys at heart and want to do the right thing. Life has thrown them ‘Sideways’ and they are trying to keep up with all of the curveballs that they must dodge and move forward against. It is really no surprise to me that similar to ‘Lost In Translation’, this film has become a cult classic that can warrant multiple viewings.

While it may not be your typical feel good movie, it’s a ‘real’ film about ‘real’ people who are trying to succeed both personally and professionally against the odds. If you decide to watch ‘Sideways’ for the first time, you’re going to be rooting for each of these characters to find happiness. They are endearing to us as the audience because they make mistakes and have setbacks just like those of us watching the film. In addition to the brilliant acting especially by Virginia Madsen, Paul Giamatti, and Thomas Haden Church, the adapted screenplay is brilliantly written and thought out.

Even though most viewers would consider it a dark, morose film, it also has a lot of comedy in it and some great lines about wine. There are a lot of moments in ‘Sideways’ that will make you sad, happy, angry, and even make you relate to the characters themselves. A great film overall directed by Alexander Payne, Sideways was released way back in 2004 but still remains a popular and heart-warming film that will leave you satisfied. I highly recommend checking ‘Sideways’ out when you get the chance and to remember after watching the whole film to never order a tall glass of Merlot again.