Tag: life

Slip, Counter, Repeat – What Boxing Taught Me About Surviving Real Life

“Life, like the sport of boxing, isn’t about taking punishment, it’s about learning from your mistakes, moving to avoid future errors, reading what the next move(s) could be thrown at you, and responding with precision when you make your counters.”

I remember the first time when my trainer told me to stop blocking punches and start slipping and dodging them instead; it rewires your brain to not just try to absorb the punishment but to dodge and counter it with the same enthusiasm. Life, like the sport of boxing, isn’t about taking punishment, it’s about learning from your mistakes, moving to avoid future errors, reading what the next move(s) could be thrown at you, and responding with precision when you make your counters.

You’re not always going to win the fight like you’re not going to always win in life, but if you know to slip, dodge, and counter, you’ll lose less and learn from your mistakes to be better not just at boxing but in life itself. For myself, you can learn more from boxing than you can from a traditional classroom and there’s a lot of justified metaphors for how this unique sport translates over to how to win in life.

Most setbacks in boxing aren’t knockout punches, they’re jabs. They are meant to measure you, test your resolve, and see how you react to them. A jab is like the difference between a crisis and a probe, meant to read what’s being thrown at you. Like overacting to an unfortunate event in life, you don’t want to overreact to a jab in a sparring session or a fight. You don’t want to waste precious mental and physical energy worrying too much about the jab when you should be focused on what could come after it. Burning bridges, making decisions from panic in life will cost you more in the long run instead of pausing, thinking it through, and coming up with your counter. Not every jab deserves a full combination back from you; but you should be sizing up your opponent (life) and figuring out what the next move is going to look like.

The slip, in boxing, isn’t a retreat, its intelligent non-contact, you keep your feet planted and you move your head to avoid the damage. When you apply that approach to life, it’s about knowing which arguments, which jobs, and which people to let pass by cleanly. If you don’t slip and you think you can dodge very blow when you’re flat footed, you’re going to get hit and take shots that you could have avoided making you worse off than before. Don’t let your ego stand in the way of protecting yourself and know that you’re saving yourself for the long struggle in the ring and outside of it, if you know how to slip a punch. This is a very underrated skill of not engaging everything that comes at you or wants a piece of you. You shouldn’t be engaging in contact or giving a response to everything headed your way; something, it’s best to slip it.

In boxing, the counter punch is thrown at the same moment your opponent overextends themselves and life works the exact same way. When you face adversary or a challenge, life should open to you as the moment of disruption can create an equal opportunity as a result. When you counterpunch an opponent in the ring, you’re meeting the moment and taking advantage of an opportunity even while you’re putting yourself at risk. When you counterpunch in practice outside of the ring, you are changing careers, rerouting plans, pivoting to new skills, turning obstacles into reaffirming moments and repositioning yourself for future success. Timing matters though so make sure that when you throw your counter it comes at the right time because if you do it too early or too late, it’s not going to land cleanly and is going to look more like a wild swing out of desperation.

Any boxer will tell you that footwork is pivotal to mastering even before the fight starts and positioning yourself well could end up making the difference. Champions don’t improvise their way through fights; they control the ring before the first punch lands and are always moving their feet to be in the best position possible. In life, you have got to build skills, relationships, and options for yourself even during the calm periods so you’re not scrambling to make progress when things get hard or when you need immediate success. Good footwork is about optionality and always having somewhere to move to or from and not backing yourself into a counter. Being light on your feet, agile, and not getting caught flatfooted by comfort, complacency, or cockiness will help you win the fight and in your life.

When someone or something seems impenetrable, you have got to shift your attack and rethink your approach. You must be able to play the long game when you can’t get through your opponent’s guard. You must be persistent, shift your strategy, and choose different pressure points to wear down your opponent. Slow, consistent pressure will win over dramatic gestures or do the same thing repeatedly to expect a different result. Boxing and life both require mental discipline by delaying your own gratification and using sustained effort to get the wins that you are seeking. If your opponent is blocking one approach, you have got to go for a different strategy and try to find a weakness or opening elsewhere. Shift your approach when it calls for it and don’t keep trying without mixing it up to get the success you are fighting for.

You will get hit. You will get bruised. You are going to fail. The question is whether you’re falling forever or rolling with the punches. ‘Rolling with the punches’ is known as the physical technique of being able to deal with getting hit and absorbing blows with some difficulty without catastrophizing the effect of getting hit to prevent you from fighting back. Resilience in the ring and outside of it is about knowing when you can take the hit and keep moving forward and you must get back to the center after it by reset, breathe, drink some water, find your focus and your range again, and stay in the fight. Only throw in the towel when you know the hit has changed the fight and you’re not continuing out of sheer stubbornness. Sometimes, you know you’ve lost the fight when you’ve taken too many hits and it’s better to call it quits to fight another day than to lose everything in that one night.

Even the greatest fighters in boxing don’t go the three-minute rounds alone; they have someone cutting the swelling during rounds, giving timely advice, and cheering you on from your corner. We need coaches in boxing just like we need mentors, honest friends, and trusted advisors who tell you what’s happening rather than what you want to hear from them. Be wary of having a ‘yes man’ in your corner in the ring or in your life. A corner that is not truthful with you and only hypes you up will get you knocked out because they fail to take account of your weaknesses as well as your strengths. You got to build your corner up wisely over the years and have good people you can rely on who will tell you the truth, support you through thick and thin, and know when the fight is over to save you from yourself sometimes.

Any good boxer knows how to make some adjustments in the middle of fight and to change their game plan when it comes to their opponent. The fighter who can’t adapt gets figured out by round four and usually doesn’t win the match. It can be hard to invest in something you’ve put days, weeks, months, or even years into developing but you need to have the discipline to abandon a pursuit, strategy, or plan even after investing heavily into it. When we think of a sunk cost in boxing, the mistake is like throwing a hundred punches the same way even when they aren’t landing in each round and that strategy is costing you to lose the fight. Be prepared to constantly pivot as you would in the real world whether it’s professionally, personally, or geographically because doing the same thing again and expecting a different result is lunacy and it shows up both in boxing and in your life.

You don’t train to be a boxer to avoid any difficulty that you’ll face, you train to be someone who can handle it when it arrives, and that also goes for any facet of your life. You dodge and counter not just as well-known tactic in boxing but as a mindset for your entire life. You don’t dodge and then not counter, any action deserves a response, but it must be measured, appropriately, and done patiently. You should always be moving forward but with the wisdom that sometimes, you’re going to have dodge a punch like you would dodge a toxic person, a bad boss, an unfortunate upbringing, and be able to counter by moving towards a result and a life that you can be proud of.

As someone who enjoys boxing, I’m always thinking about how I’m going to slip the next punch and what counter I can set up as a result to move forward in the contest. Think about this for yourself: what ‘punch’ are you slipping right now in your life, and what counter are you setting up? Life, like boxing, can be difficult sometimes, but if you can slip, dodge, and counter, you’ll be able to handle any adversity, meet any challenge head on, and be successful in whatever you put your mind and body to.

Do You Have A Frame of Reference Here?

“Instead of trusting in the experts and letting them inform the public, those with little to no experience are voicing their opinion on subject(s) that they don’t have any expertise or understanding of. Thus, this brings me to the critical question that rarely gets asked today: Do you have a frame of reference here?”

We live in a time where having an opinion on every single topic is often treated as more important than having an informed one or not having one when you haven’t fully researched the topic at hand. The influence of social media, 24-hour news cycles, and the pressure to ‘weigh in’ constantly have created a culture where silence is mistaken for ignorance and confidence is mistaken for competence in many different areas. Instead of trusting in the experts and letting them inform the public, those with little to no experience are voicing their opinion on subject(s) that they don’t have any expertise or understanding of. Thus, this brings me to the critical question that rarely gets asked today: Do you have a frame of reference here?

A ‘frame of reference’ is built through lived experience, actual study, or meaningful exposure to a subject, regardless of which one it is. Without it, opinions are often shallow, reactive, or based on incomplete information from often unreliable sources. Yet today, many people, especially political leaders, regularly comment on complex issues such as geopolitics, economics, public health, without the necessary context to understand them or any one of these complex topics. This kind of willful arrogance doesn’t just dilute meaningful discourse on the subject being discussed; it can actively mislead others who assume that their confidence equals real credibility.

What’s personally refreshing for me is when a public figure, especially a political leader, admits the limits of their knowledge. When a mayor of a major city recently acknowledged that they were not informed enough to comment on a geopolitical issue involving another country, it stood out to me positively not as a weakness, but as showing intellectual honesty. In a culture that rewards hot takes and instant reactions, restraint is increasingly rare but it’s also responsible and what we should expect more from our leaders.

Real wisdom comes from not needing to be a ‘master of all’ but rather to hone your knowledge base and your life experience on subjects you are confident enough to weigh in on and learn more about others where you have little or no experience with. Focusing on mastering one subject or a few subjects is difficult enough over a period of years or a lifetime, what’s impossible is trying to comment on every little subject you hear about or is making the news.

There’s value in recognizing when something is outside your lane and admitting that you don’t know enough about something to give an opinion on. Deferring to experts, asking questions instead of making declarations, or simply choosing not to comment are all signs of maturity, not ignorance. In fact, the ability to say “I don’t know enough about this” might be one of the most credible statements a person can make, especially those people in positions of power and influence.

Before speaking out loud, it’s worth pausing to ask: Do I understand this? Or am I just participating to hear myself talk? That distinction matters more than ever because not every conversation needs your opinion, and not every opinion needs to be voiced. In practice, this means getting comfortable with a little restraint especially with different audiences. You’re your coworkers, it might look like asking clarifying questions instead of jumping into debate, or saying, “I haven’t looked into that enough to have a strong view.” That doesn’t make you disengaged; it makes you credible. With your friends and family, where emotions tend to run higher, it helps to focus on understanding their viewpoint rather than winning the argument. You don’t need to ‘correct’ every take at the dinner table. Sometimes the better move is letting a moment pass or redirecting the conversation to something more constructive or worthwhile.

If a topic genuinely interests you and you really want to learn more about it to have an informed opinion, there’s nothing wrong with engaging with it further but do it the right way. Take the time to seek out legitimate sources, compare perspectives, and pressure-test what you’re reading to see if it’s credible information. That kind of effort means going beyond sensational headlines, avoiding echo chambers, and giving more weight to subject-matter experts than to loud personalities who bloviate without any substance. Real understanding of any subject takes serious effort, which you may not be able to devote time to. Here’s the part that most people skip: be willing to revise your opinion as you learn more about the topic. Changing your mind isn’t a loss but rather it’s evidence that you’re thinking deeply about it in a constructive way. When you finally do speak about it, do it from a place of informed perspective, not impulse. That kind of discipline doesn’t just make your voice more credible; it makes it worth listening to.

When things get heated with voicing your opinion, especially with strangers, the goal should shift from being right to keeping things from spiraling out of control. You’re not going to out-argue someone who isn’t interested in nuance or subtlety. What you can do instead is lower the temperature of the conversation: acknowledge their perspective without endorsing it outright (“I can see why you’d feel that way”), avoid absolute statements, and step back when the conversation turns into a one-way performance rather than a two-day dialogue. Walking away from that person or people, changing the subject, or simply not engaging further in the discussion isn’t weakness, it’s control of your environment. It’s true that not every verbal battle deserves either your energy or your effort.

At the end of the day, discernment is a key skill for any adult to exercise, especially in our current era. Knowing when to speak, when to listen, and when to opt out entirely of making your opinion heard will earn you more respect than having a take on every single subject. In a world full of noise and bluster, the people who stand out are the ones who choose their words carefully and know when silence says enough.

Don’t Sleepwalk Your Way Through Life

“As much as you want to go through life with a constant routine, when you instead establish new habits, hobbies, and places to visit, it’s best to mix it up and do what you can to make the most out of this one life you have.”

Turbulent times have a way of stripping life down to its essentials. It can make you appreciate what you have in life more and not take what you have for granted. When the headlines are gripping and uncertainty lingers each day, you realize how fragile our routines and habits really are. While it’s tempting to go through the motions and drift through our days on autopilot, by going to the same coffee house, driving the same commute, having the same conversations and making the same excuses, you should be taking off the autopilot instead and homing in more on what makes life enjoyable. As much as you want to go through life with a constant routine, when you instead establish new habits, hobbies, and places to visit, it’s best to mix it up and do what you can to make the most out of this one life you have.

I’ve caught myself sleepwalking before in my life. Not physically, but mentally. Waking up, checking my phone, answering emails, going through meetings, making the usual commute, working out at the same gym, eating dinner, scrolling, and sleeping. Productive on paper but not really waking up my senses to the full extent. This kind of routine can sap your spirit over time. It wasn’t that anything was wrong, but it can get boring after a while. That was the problem for me and for many others I suspect. There’s nothing wrong with what I was doing, and I still have my routine that I enjoy. However, nothing in my life was expanding either or challenging me enough. My life was efficient and that efficiency was quietly numbing me.

The truth is that living life on autopilot feels responsible, especially in adulthood. It feels mature and what is expected of us at a certain age. Routine keeps the bills paid and the calendar organized. Routine, when left unchecked, becomes a cage you build yourself and can be suffocating after a while. The brain loves predictability as it conserves its energy. Routine avoids discomfort and novelty unless you force yourself to be different and try new things. True growth doesn’t happen in conservation mode or by playing it safe. Growth demands friction and friction requires intention, which means making the effort to break the routine you impose on yourself.

For myself, it’s always been travel that has exposed the lie of living life on autopilot almost instantly, especially from my solo travels. It’s hard to drift through life when you can’t read the street signs, when you’re ordering food in broken Spanish, Turkish, or German, when you don’t fully understand the cultural cues or conversations around you. You’re alert, present, and living in the moment. The precious moments where you’re slightly uncomfortable but also feeling fully alive are the best for me. I live for those moments every chance I get to experience them even when they’re harder to come by as I get older. The colors and smells you sense feel sharper. Conversations feel deeper and livelier. Time stretches rather than drags me down. It’s not about how each country is magical but rather that you are fully awake and experiencing life more fully.

Waking up and taking yourself off autopilot isn’t dramatic, but it should be a deliberate effort. It’s choosing an unfamiliar conversation instead of a safe one. It’s taking a different route home. It’s signing up for something new you might be bad at but want to try anyway to see how it goes. It’s reading different books and engaging people who may not share the beliefs or views as you. It’s learning twenty new words in a language you don’t “need” but desire to learn to expand your horizons. It’s asking yourself, honestly, “When was the last time I felt truly engaged?”

You don’t need to burn your life down and leave your responsibilities behind, which is a false choice. You need to interrupt it and bring something into your life to make it more enjoyable.

Turbulent times are unsettling and especially at this moment we’re living in around the world. At the same time, they’re clarifying what really should matter to you. They remind you that stability and prosperity are never guaranteed. Political systems shift. Jobs will change. Borders can close. Health falters. Family and friendship ties fade. When you accept that inherent fragility to life, you stop assuming you have endless tomorrows to play around with. When tomorrow isn’t promised, living your life on autopilot becomes a risk you can’t afford to take.

You get one life. No rehearsal. No dress rehearsal. No backup plan for the 2nd one. The world is unpredictable enough so don’t make your inner world predictable too. Refuse to sleepwalk through the years as they go by faster. Shake up your routines. Question your assumptions, values, and beliefs. Chase what unsettles you in a healthy way. Stay curious about the world and the people in it. Stay moving as much as possible. Because the greatest tragedy in life isn’t the inevitable turbulence that will come your way. It’s the numbness you’ll experience if you don’t choose to make this life the best it can be.

Some People Grow Old but Don’t Grow Up

“However, when you realize that aging responsibly is a choice rather than a given and it comes down to acting and being responsible as an effort, you’ll begin to see why not everybody has that trait nor do they even try to emulate it.”

Growing older is inevitable and hopefully all of us reading this article will live long, healthy lives because getting an elder age is never guaranteed in life. While growing old is inevitable naturally, becoming emotionally mature and experiencing personal growth are choices that not everyone makes or even want to try. We all know someone in our lives who acts like they are still in their 20s when they are pushing 40 or decides to avoid acting like their given age altogether even when they’re a grown adult and have been for a while. Some people age without maturing and it can be difficult to wrap your head around why that is the case. However, when you realize that aging responsibly is a choice rather than a given and it comes down to acting and being responsible as an effort, you’ll begin to see why not everybody has that trait nor do they even try to emulate it.

Just because the years pile on top of each other doesn’t mean that you’ve learned anything about life, responsibility, or self-awareness. I’ve known people who do act their age or even beyond their years and I’ve known others who never mature emotionally or try to do so when they are double my age or even more senior. The skills that one must exercise in adulthood are not innate as we are taught when we are young. Adulthood involves having self-awareness, being accountable for one’s actions, both good and bad, and emotionally regulating your behavior especially around loved ones and friends. Some people collect birthdays like stamps but never collect wisdom or thoughtfulness or responsibility. Being a full-fledged adult takes more than paying your taxes and holding a job, it’s about having adult characteristics too, which are either magnified by our life experiences or diminished by the lack thereof.

Some adults act like teenagers when they gossip about others, dodge responsibility, chase instant gratification endlessly, and avoid anything that feels ‘grown up.’ Sadly, even when the adult in question has children or is supposed to be a caretaker for an elderly relative or parent, they often shirk that responsibility too even when they have no excuse for it. Some examples to look out for with people who never grow up in adulthood are when they never or seldom apologize for bad behavior, always blame others for their misfortune, avoid financial responsibility, prioritize the party lifestyle, or choose material gains over building healthy relationships.

If someone is always complaining or gossiping or is constantly unreliable at the workplace, in their friendships, and in their romantic life, they might want to look at themselves in the mirror rather than point the finger at someone else to blame. The ‘Peter Pan’ effect seems to be getting amplified by social media rather than diminished where people care more about hedonistic pursuits than doing their own inner work on a consistent basis to be a more responsible adult.

Acting immature and irresponsible as an adult doesn’t just hurt the person but also can wreck their friendships, relationships, and career. Age alone doesn’t excuse behavior and even when we look up to our elders especially as they are more senior than us in not just age, but rank, title, or other status, that doesn’t excuse poor behavior at the end of the day. Emotional immaturity can create tension and misunderstandings that can destroy a team, a group, a leadership committee, and more personal relationships. If you’ve ever dealt with an unreliable friend, a partner who wouldn’t apologize, or a coworker who couldn’t handle criticism or any negative feedback, you’re likely aware of how immature some adults can be. If you’re like me, you’ve likely been frustrated by someone older than you who acted like a teenager or a child.

In a world which continued to be obsessed with youth, fun, and overall frivolity, it’s easier now than ever to want to put off growing up with society rewarding those who never do especially in roles of leadership and social prominence. These cultural pressures including social media, influencer lifestyles, and late adulthood indulgences mask a deeper issue of society glamorizing irresponsibility, lack of responsibility to one another, or pursuing eternal youth when adults should be pursuing wisdom, accountability, and emotional maturity. Those who embrace personal growth and emotional intelligence may not be “cool” or “fun” or have the best “vibes”, but you need serious and responsible adults in charge and being accountable to one another.

Growing up means owning your mistakes, apologizing when you were wrong, learning from your errors, and treating others with kindness and empathy, especially when it’s hard. I find it rare nowadays from my own personal life to see others around me apologize for their poor behavior or to do so sincerely to make amends but that is a huge part of being a real adult. When you apologize sincerely, it shows that you care about being a mature person.

This kind of responsible adult behavior also extends t0 managing your finances and relationships responsibly, navigating conflict constructively, and thinking deeply about how your actions and words affect other people. Maturity isn’t perfect but it involves trying, falling, and trying again. Each day, I want you to think about how you can be a more responsible adult who is in tune with your emotions, able to be responsible for your actions, and being able to practice some self-awareness.

What’s the payoff for growing up and not just growing old? Well, you’ll have deeper connections, real life satisfaction, and the kind of confidence about knowing who you are rather than projecting a false image of who you want to be all the time. To me, meaningful relationships and positive friendships, having career stability and growth, and showing mental resilience in the face of adversity, which faces every adult regardless of who you are all benefits of true adulthood. Those who don’t grow up and still act like they are 15 at 50 or 30 at 75 are going to feel stuck in an earlier life stage forever and will be envious, unfulfilled, or jealous of how others achieve more peace of mind because of their emotional balance. Growth may be hard and even painful at times but it’s worth it in the long run especially when it comes to navigating life as you get older.

Yes, getting older is inevitable though that is a privilege that not everybody gets to have too, but choosing to grow up consciously is what makes life meaningful, memorable, and worth living. Immaturity may be satisfying at first to avoid being responsible, accountable, or needing to make sacrifices but the costs will eventually weigh the benefits especially as you naturally continue to age. We all have the choice on how we age and how we can grow and mature with each age. It is a lifelong process where there is both progress and setbacks bit for which it is important to leave a positive memory behind for those who can speak about your character, your maturity, and your overall manner as a human being. Remember to not just collect birthdays as the years pass by, collect wisdom, courage, and the kind of growth that lasts until your last day.

A Café Full of Blank Faces

“This surreal experience of mine in the local coffee shop was seeing mostly everyone except for myself wrapped up exclusively in their device, mobile, computer, or another kind of technology rather than interacting with their immediate surroundings.”

Surreal moments often catch you off guard and recently, one hit me in a coffee shop that I like to frequent. These moments are important to reflect on for better or worse though, to see how society has changed immeasurably and perhaps permanently. This surreal experience of mine in the local coffee shop was seeing mostly everyone except for myself wrapped up exclusively in their device, mobile, computer, or another kind of technology rather than interacting with their immediate surroundings.

It was shocking, usually there are a few people browsing their phones casually, catching up on work with their laptops, or just tracking their health data on their digital watch. However, when I looked around and saw that it was basically a sea of screens as each person was locked into their digital world rather than focused on the people there. It was a dystopian scene that is burned into my memory now so much so that I had to explore this societal change further.

In the U.S. especially, it seems like cafes or coffee houses are more for interacting with the digital realm rather than the physical realm, which is quite different from Europe and Latin America where the priority is to meet people or gather with friends or family. It is usually a mix, but in the U.S., cafes seem to have reached a turning point. They focus more on having people be there to work and endure loud or constant music being played in the background, and having people isolated rather than connecting with one another.

While there are still numerous cafes where people are still likely to do poetry slams, play trivia, and are welcoming gathering spaces, my concern is with how eerie it can be when some cafes are solely about work and technology rather than connection and leisure. There are some solutions out there and some bars I’ve heard are even implementing ‘no phones’ as an entry rule to help people to interact with each other rather than their own devices in a shared space.

I personally hope that the ‘no phones’ movement can spread to cafes, community centers, and other third spaces that are increasingly difficult to find in the U.S., especially where you don’t need to pay to sit down, talk, or get to know one another. Having a ‘no technology’ rule for set hours in cafés seems like a great idea to me, especially before or after work hours and making sure that cafes and co-working spaces are not merging to be the same. Community events with no phones would help people sharpen their social skills, minimize distractions, and connect without any devices competing for their attention.

It was jarring for me to see almost the whole café on some sort of device or another except for myself (even though I do tend to check my phone quickly here and there). However, I was meeting someone there so I wanted my attention to be paid to them as much as possible and I am for a technology ban so the connection we would form would be that much easier. Having a rule of ‘no phones’ in cafes or at least ‘no tech’ hours would probably make people happier, more sociable, and allow cafes to sell more to people who would have their undivided attention.

We used to get our dopamine from our social connections and that has been increasingly replaced by responsive AI chatbots, persistent social media notifications, and algorithms focused on our every need. It’s a losing battle right now but we may be at a precipice where people including myself realize that this isn’t sustainable and it isn’t healthy for society to indulge in without limits, even for adults.

One of my favorite shows growing up was ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’, where the all-American diner or the local café was a spot to hang out, talk, play music, and catch up on each other’s lives. These shows from the 1990s-2000s could not possibly be replicated today because the scenes would be showing almost everyone on their phone or laptop and the dialogues would be flat or lackluster. I want cafés, diners, and bars to be more than background noise for our technological devices. Instead, these places should be spaces to connect, to share, and to find a moment of human interaction in a world increasingly dominated by screens.

Cafés, diners, and bars should be refuges from screens, spaces to connect, share, and find a moment of human interaction in a world dominated by devices. It’s time to reclaim these public places, not just for nostalgia, but for our social health. We still need public places to provide a respite from the hustle and bustle of daily life, to let us express ourselves freely, to meet new people, to practice community, and maybe even make some new friends.

The Lost Skill of Making People Feel Seen

“Most people aren’t lonely because they lack friends, they’re lonely because nobody truly sees them. In a world of constant interactions, at work, online, or in our daily routines, these moments are often shallow, rushed, and forgettable.”

Most people aren’t lonely because they lack friends, they’re lonely because nobody truly sees them. In a world of constant interactions, at work, online, or in our daily routines, these moments are often shallow, rushed, and forgettable.

One of the best books I’ve read recently on this subject is from New York Times writer and columnist, David Brooks, who authored the book, ‘How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen’ in October 2023. The core idea of his book was that you can divide people into two camps of ‘Illuminators vs. Diminishers’, with illuminators making people feel recognized, clearer, more important, and the diminishers who make interactions about themselves or forget about the other person (often not on purpose). If attention is now the primary currency in our lives, giving or receiving quality attention is the key difference in seeing others fully.

Let’s go into what ‘feeling seen’ means in 2025 and what it doesn’t because it can get confusing if you’re new to this concept. Feeling seen is not about just agreeing with someone, praising them effusively, being ‘nice’ or ‘kind’, fixing their problems for them, dumping your own problems or inadequacies on them to compensate in return for them sharing their issues. Rather, feeling seen is about being perceived accurately and without judgment often, having your inner logic understood and how you see the world, and feeling that your emotions are being recognized rather than just analyzed and interpreted.

An example of this in action could be a friend, a spouse, or a co-worker telling you, “I don’t necessarily agree with you here, but I understand why that matters to you and I see your perspective.” Being able to let that person know that you know where they are coming from in their views and why it matters to them makes a huge difference in your personal and professional life.

Technological and other daily distractions aside, there are various reasons why people don’t feel fully seen nowadays. Most people are not patient in waiting for their turn to talk, rehearse their response in advance while you’re still speaking, filtering everything through themselves and what they would do, or just not wanting to understand when they listen. If you are not seeing someone enough, start with listening to understand the other person rather than listening to reply or putting themselves in their shoes right away. You cannot see someone else while you’re playing their role in your own mental movies or thinking through what you would do, say, or behave in their shoes.

Like any social skill, there are ways to make someone feel more seen and to build up that skill like it’s a positive habit. The more you use, repeat, and solidify these response tactics, the more comfortable other people will feel around you. First, listen to the emotion that they are carrying with their words even if they don’t express it outright. Train yourself to hear the ‘fear, anxiety, pride, shame, sadness, frustration, hope, joy, etc. that they exude with their cadence and tone beyond the words they are saying. Being able to voice what emotions they may be expressing to you in their words is very powerful and will make someone feel very seen. For example, “You sound disappointed, not angry, about ____.” As David Brooks wrote about ‘illuminators’, seeing people’s emotions clearly even if they aren’t telling you with their words what exactly they are feeling is a very useful people skill.

Second, I think it’s key to asking expanding questions, rather than extractive or basic ones. Good questions open doors to a deeper and more fulfilling conversation while bad questions can feel like an interview or an interrogation. A good question could be, “What part of your work gives you the most fulfillment?”, which can expand the conversation and take that person through a positive memory or a feeling of contentedness sharing what they do for a living in a specific way. Rather than an extractive question that may not lead anywhere that we often hear a lot as “So, what do you do?” If the question helps them understand better or explains why someone does what they do, you’re doing it the right way.

Additionally, some other ways to make others feel seen is to avoid pivoting to yourself right away. You should want to reflect on the conversation rather than redirect it to be about yourself or what you would do. For example, you could say “What I’m hearing from you is ____”, allowing that person to know that you were paying attention but also that you heard them correctly in terms of their viewpoint. Remember to ask questions that open the conversation, not trap it. Name specific strengths you notice. These small moves make someone feel truly seen. A friend once told me they felt burnt out by their job. In this case, just nodding back wasn’t enough, but I reflected on their frustrations with their work environment, and it completely shifted the conversation

Naming the strength(s) and good qualities of a person is also an excellent way to make them feel seen. Instead of calling someone you respect ‘smart, clever, hard-working’, go deeper than that by taking why you think they are that way and what it is specifically that led you to come to that conclusion about them. At a meeting once, instead of saying “Good point. I said, ‘I see why that approach would make sense given the constraints you’re dealing with.”

Lastly, people are unfinished characters meaning that they are complex, deep, and contradictory at times. Mr. Brooks’s book emphasizes the need to have a ‘moral imagination’ about someone to get beyond who you think they are just because you know their politics, childhood, job, worst moment(s). Assume in good faith that there is a lot more going on in a person’s life than you currently understand and try to hold judgment about them based just on the information that you have available about them.

Being seen by another person deeply is a great feeling and is increasingly rare these days. Seeing others requires courage, dedication, and attention, which is in short supply. The ability to see and be seen demands humility, slowing ourselves down, removing our ego armor, and being present with them fully. It is also worth noting that the people who feel most unseen by others end up being the worst at seeing others in response as it becomes a negative cycle. If you’re not seen at all or at least a little bit, why would you want to do the same for others rather than breaking the cycle?

Making others feel seen changes you for the better as a person. When you see others well, your relationships deepen, you become a better leader, your conflicts soften or end, and your own sense of personal meaning grows as a result. As Brooks writes in ‘How to Know a Person’, “To know other person well is one of the highest forms of love.” I think this is a great lesson worth imparting on us all to try to illuminate other people as often as people and to do so in a consistent manner. I’ve seen it personally in my classrooms, work meetings, or even casual coffee chats as people light up when someone hears them and not just nods along.

Try this once today: make someone feel truly understood. Watch what happens. Whether it’s a comment, a reflection, a thoughtful question, a moment of real attention without distraction, you can make a positive difference in that person’s life, especially if they are going through a tough time. You don’t need grand gestures, just presence, attention, and care. In a world obsessed with being seen, the rarest superpower is knowing how to see.

I’ll Take Kind Gestures Over Kind Words Any Day

“When was the last time someone let you merge into traffic or grabbed you a coffee without asking? Too long, right? Small gestures like these can make your day or even your week. We’re taught from a young age that kind words keep the world turning, but words are just the starting point.”

When was the last time someone let you merge into traffic or grabbed you a coffee without asking? Too long, right? Small gestures like these can make your day or even your week. We’re taught from a young age that kind words keep the world turning, but words are just the starting point.

Even rarer than kind words are kind actions. Post-COVID, people’s social skills have atrophied, making everyday courtesies harder to come by. Things like holding the door, walking on the right side of the sidewalk, or letting someone merge on the highway might seem small but they matter far more than words alone, and we could all use more of them.

Having these kinds of gestures be optional instead of compulsory represents an overall reflection of the fracturing of what used to be common courtesy along with the kind of bare minimum expectations we have of one another too often. Instead of kind gestures, we often have the opposite now: people being loud in public places, not using earphones or headphones on their meetings or in the music they listen to, or just not minding their body language or others’ personal space. I value the importance of these basic gestures because they take such little time or self-awareness yet have become harder to find even when I consider them to be increasingly important to societal harmony.

It’s one thing for strangers to abstain from kind gestures or words but it’s entirely another when they come from business associates, colleagues, family, or friends. Taking the initiative and building a two-sided friendship or relationship, professional or personal, doesn’t take much to sustain but it truly can make a world of difference to the other person(s). Such kind gestures mean more than the average word could ever and people really remember those sincere actions more than giving a basic compliment or heaping on effusive praise.

These kind gestures depend on the kind of relationship you have with the person or group in question, but sending business associates a holiday card or remembering their birthday can strengthen the relationship significantly. You could also offer to buy them coffee or tea for providing advice or mentorship with your work or business. With work colleagues, it doesn’t hurt to share your appreciation in giving a kind word for them, but it could mean much more to bring in food or drinks for lunch or help them with a problem they are having on a difficult project. If you’re a manager, kind words are nice to hear but recognizing your employees with a bonus, a promotion, or just an award or other kind of real recognition can make a huge difference with morale building or employee retention at your firm.

With one’s family and friends, it’s always important to say ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and show your appreciation for their presence in your life. However, it’s always better to take the initiative to ask them out for a dinner or a concert or just to give them a call consistently to check-in with them and see how they’re really doing. Keeping a friendship or family relationship in good shape is hard to do but at least making the effort to see each other and to do so in a two-way manner is key to keeping it sustainable.

Being complimentary, supportive, and positive are all great with your words but real actions or gestures will always speak loudest. That’s especially the case when you’ve known that person a long time and have a history together. Sometimes, friendships end out of nowhere and family bonds are breakable by one party or the other, but if you want to make a real effort, make sure to rely on kind gestures primarily because they mean a lot more to someone than your words.

These days, it’s hard to get kind words out of strangers or people you don’t know and even more so when it comes to expecting basic social graces or gestures of kindness. As a result, we are starved for those kinds of gestures and actions that are unprompted, considerate, and relevant to us. We need those friends, family, and even close associates doing kind things for us and for them to be reciprocated as well because it helps foster our happiness, joy, and overall life satisfaction more than we think.

Kindness begets kindness. While words can move the needle, gestures, actions, and time spent together make a world of difference. Remember: kind words are the minimum of a polite society but making kind gestures second nature to you, especially for the people in your orbit, will make your life richer and fuller. Tomorrow, remember to hold the door for someone, send that quick ‘thank you’ note if someone did something kind for you, or buy a mentor or a friend a cup of coffee. Small gestures always make a big impact, which makes life better for everyone.

Thinking of Life Like It’s a Cup of Turkish Coffee

“Similarly to life itself, I find that the Turkish coffee experience is a lot like life and perhaps even more so than a box of chocolates (no offense to any Forrest Gump fans).”

I love Turkish coffee. Its roast, its scent, its strength, and subtle sweetness that I can’t get enough of. I don’t even mind the times I drink too much, leaving bitter remains on my tongue. I’m not too bothered by it because sometimes you must taste the bitter ends to get the sweetness out of most of the coffee you drink. Turkish coffee is unique, the jolt and caffeine rush unlike any other I’ve experienced in the world. Similarly to life itself, I find that the Turkish coffee experience is a lot like life and perhaps even more so than a box of chocolates (no offense to any Forrest Gump fans).

Preparing Turkish coffee to be served is an art, requiring patience, precision, and care, qualities life demands from us as well. The finely ground beans must be measured just right, water poured with attention, and heat applied slowly to coax out the perfect brew without letting it boil over. A slight misstep can change the flavor entirely, just as small choices in life can ripple into large consequences. Stirring the coffee gently, watching the foam rise, and letting it rest before serving mirrors the need to pause, reflect, and nurture the moments that matter most. In both coffee and life, the effort put into preparation shapes the richness of the experience and skipping the process only leaves you with a bitter, incomplete taste.

Just like a cup of Turkish coffee is carefully prepared with time and attention, life rewards those who pause to notice the details. The swirling patterns at the bottom of the cup hint at what’s to come, just as small choices ripple into larger consequences. Sometimes, life surprises you with unexpected flavors like a hint of cardamom, a twist of fortune, and other times it’s a sharp bitterness that makes you wince. But every sip, whether sweet or strong, shapes the experience and reminds you that the richness of life comes from paying attention, savoring the moment, and accepting the unknown.

When you first taste Turkish coffee, it’s like a jolt of pure energy and a rush that I would liken to the sun hitting your face as you wake up from a dream and when your consciousness first stirs in the morning. You try to recapture that feeling with each sip, chasing the sweetness that lingers consistently. You can even add a bit of sugar, stir it around to keep the bitterness at bay, and prolong the experience as much as you can. Life like a Turkish coffee cup is pretty small and the portion is not as big as you would expect. It’s a concentrated dose of caffeine and is a high-quality batch of brew.

Like life itself, you got to enjoy it to the fullest but also savor it at the same time. No matter your age, life rushes by, just like the last sip at the bottom of a Turkish coffee cup. Bitterness is inevitable in a Turkish coffee experience as it’s mixed in with the rest of the sweet flavor. There are bitter times in life to be had mixed in with the sweet times and as much as you try to avoid it or abstain from it, you need the bitter parts of life to truly realize how sweet the overall experience was. The bitterness reminds you to savor the good times and to not let it affect your perception of the life you had as a whole. Coffee, like life, can be bitter or strong at times, but that doesn’t mean we should stop living or stop drinking it. 

Especially towards the end of life, the bitterness is unavoidable and comes on strong. As health wanes and loved ones are lost, life goes on and you sip, and you savor it while it lasts. A good Turkish coffee is enjoyed ideally by a body of water like the Bosphorus Strait in Istanbul but ideally, it can be with a view of the ocean, the mountains, or even just on your back patio with the quiet of the day. Life, like Turkish coffee, should be embraced in all its sweetness, bitterness, and everything in between. You really don’t want to miss out on the whole experience having never fully lived it to the most extent. Don’t miss it. Drink it all.

Does He or She or It Spark Joy for You?

“Just like keeping a clean house or organizing your closet is what helped American homeowners create joy in their home lives, I fully believe Kondo’s asking of “does it spark joy?” can be reframed for our friendships, relationships, and our hobbies.”

I’ll be honest in that I never really watched Marie Kondo’s famous show, “Tidying Up”, and while I do respect her commitment to reducing clutter and helping hoarders get rid of their extra junk, I am going to focus more on who or what sparks joy for you beyond just household items. Just like keeping a clean house or organizing your closet is what helped American homeowners create joy in their home lives, I fully believe Kondo’s asking of “does it spark joy?” can be reframed for our friendships, relationships, and our hobbies.

You should never want to exert too much effort into someone or something that doesn’t provide ‘joy’ or at least ‘contentedness’ and while ‘joy’ like any feeling is ephemeral, we should work to maximize the ‘joy’ we feel in life. If you are not getting that ‘joy’ at all from that relationship, that friend, or that job, you got to do some soul searching to see if it’s worth the effort involved to keep it going. You can’t choose your family, your coworkers, or even where you live at times so instead of finding ‘joy’ only there, find those things and people that are voluntarily in your life and where you can better evaluate if they are worth your time.

If you find you are spending your limited time with people who are as dull as dishwater or are even putting you down, you need to cast them aside like old clothes that Marie Kondo would want you to discard from your closet. Now, this does not mean being mean, cutting off contact without a reason, or just straight up ending on bad terms, it’s rather about letting them know that the relationship, the friendship, or the hobby you’re doing isn’t worth the effort anymore. Very few things in life are permanent and if it does not spark any kind of joy for you, you should not keep pursuing it to no fulfilling end.

Instead, I believe it is key to find those people or those activities that continue to give you some joy or happiness. I would classify it as giving you a ‘real shot of life’ and making you feel more alive. It’s not an easy thing to be conscientious of but you’ll often know when someone or something is breathing life into you rather than leaving you drained of it.

Not everything or everyone you interact with in life will give you that ‘spark of joy’ or a ‘shot of life’ but your job is to work hard in those interactions that you do control such as a friendship or a relationship to choose wisely and to do so discerningly. Your boss or your tax attorney is rarely going to spark that ‘joy’ but you’re going to have to interact with them regardless because it’s necessary in life. What you can do instead in your free time is to maximize ‘joy’, ‘happiness’ or just ‘fulfillment’ with people, places, and hobbies that make you feel most alive.

It really is a rare thing in our technologically driven, profit maximizing, socially shallow, and standardized daily routine to find those people who leave a big impression on you, but you got to put yourself out there to receive those kinds of connections. Build a life around trying to find interesting people who inspire you, who make you laugh, who you want to learn from, who you enjoy being around, and for you to be the same to them.

Life is too short to be around ‘joyless’ people who you could choose not to be around instead and to commit yourself to prioritizing those people who make you happy or joyful because of how they make you feel. The same can be said of those activities, hobbies, or interests that brighten your day and that you can look forward to. Routine in adulthood is monotonous, contrite, and not joyful, but you can still find those moments, those hobbies, and those people who make your life that much richer and more colorful.

At the end of the day, Marie Kondo had it right. Joy should be the filter through which we decide what stays and what goes in our life. The difference is that life’s clutter isn’t just found in closets or drawers of hoarders whose houses are too full; rather, it’s in the people we chase, the jobs we keep, and the habits we cling to long after they’ve stopped serving us. Maybe the real act of tidying up isn’t just folding shirts; it’s clearing out the emotional junk that keeps us from feeling alive and fulfilled. When you ask yourself what sparks joy as Marie Kondo does to her clients, don’t stop at your wardrobe or your closet. Ask it instead about your world, your personal life, your hobbies and don’t be afraid to get rid of the extra clutter.

What It Really Means to Be a True Friend

“Having a true friend is hard to come by and it’s important to get better at distinguish who is a ‘true’ or ‘real’ friend and who should deserve that kind of title in your mind.”

People tend to throw the word ‘friend’ around a lot especially when you may be desperate or wanting to have a new ‘friend’ come into your life. It is natural to want to build rapport with someone and to do so quickly. It is good to have someone want to spend time with you and get to know you are. When you are short on friends or when friends you know have moved on to a different town, city, or country, you want to work on replacing those lost or far away friendships that you used to have.

Especially as you get older, friends move away, get married, have children, and it can be hard to keep those friendships the same or keep them alive in a meaningful away. Having a true friend is hard to come by and it’s important to get better at distinguish who is a ‘true’ or ‘real’ friend and who should deserve that kind of title in your mind.

Unless the bonds you have are broken or ruptured due to any kind of factor, which does happen in life, you will still have your friends to pick up the connection again despite factor of distance or life circumstances. A friendship that has been established for years or decades doesn’t ever fully go away but you both must work to keep in touch to keep the flame alive into the future. Friendships do fade away, and you or the other person may not be getting what you need to keep it going. It can be sad to let go of a friendship especially when you invest the time, the emotions, and the money spent to keep it alive, but that is just part of life.

We have a tendency in American culture to form friendships at a dizzying pace or want to have someone as a friend quickly to ensure our own need for popularity or for social status. Other cultures tend to be slower in establishing those tight social connections or friendships, but once you do, you have a friend for life, or you have a true friend under a separate kind of category that should be reserved for a few friends and not for many connections or acquaintances.

Yes, we do throw around the word ‘friend’ a lot and too quickly. However, you should be wary of entrusting people who you consider ‘friends’ without feeling out how much that friendship entails. When I think of the meaning of a ‘true friend’, it is deeper than getting drinks every now and then or meeting up to play a sport or do an activity, it is someone who you can share both the good and the bad in your life and they can do the same with you. You don’t have to reveal your whole life story or be exhaustive about it, but a true friend is someone for whom you can be vulnerable with. A true friend won’t judge you for looking for their help, advice, or let you vent to them every now and then.

There are also several kind and thoughtful gestures a friend would do for you whereas an acquaintance or social connection would not. When you need to move and you’re free to lend a helping hand with the furniture, that is a true friend in action. If you need a ride to and from the airport and they don’t mind it even when it’s a little out of the way, that is a true friend. If you need a place to sleep or ‘crash’, and you would rather not splurge for a hotel room, a true friend will offer you their coach or a spare bedroom.

Now, there are two sides to any friendship so keep in mind that if they are willing to do that for you, you should try to do the same for them if the need arises. It is not being transactional but it’s remembering that any true friendship needs effort from both people, and it is good to look out for another especially in an increasingly isolated and technologically driven world. Our phone or our computer or our AI chat tool will never be a replacement for a true friend who is a real person, one whom you can share stories with, help each other with advice, and lend a hand to you when you are in need. Now, you can still drink, eat, play sports, or hang out with a ‘friend’, but if that friend isn’t someone who you can confide in, discuss life and its happenings, or be there for each other, it’s not a deep friendship or can be a bit shallow.

True friendships in my view take years or even decades to foster so while it’s good to try to make new friends, don’t neglect the older friendships you have that can be revived or don’t be too quick to trust someone without giving the friendship time to bloom and see if you both are compatible in the long-run. I would rather have five ‘true friends’ than a hundred or more ‘friends’ who don’t really know me, care about me, or for whom we are close enough to help each other out or just look out for each other.

Friendships are like relationships, though platonic in nature, they are just as important to foster in a healthy manner and that both people are contributing to it. You can start off just as acquaintances but if you’re putting in the time, trying on each side, and growing deeper as friends over the months and years, instead of staying in the shallow subjects, you really are building the ‘true friendships’ that survive time, distance, and other challenges.

Even if you’re married, or have children, or are busy at work, you also need friends and healthy friendships so keep trying to create them, build them, and be a good friend to others in your life. Remember to have quality friendships over the quantity of them as having a few friends for life is much better than have 100 friends who will drop you in a few months because you couldn’t keep up with their lifestyle or their demands or their ‘image.’ True friendship is missing someone when they’re gone and looking forward to the day when you can rekindle the friendship anew.