Category: social skills

Mind Your Manners and Niceties in Public

“Sadly, this is not an isolated occurrence in the post-COVID world as manners have declined, niceties are becoming rarer, and kind gestures to strangers are less common than before.”

When someone is walking towards you on the sidewalk and you know they’re going to bump into you if you or them don’t change course, what do you do then? In my case, I realize they are in my path as I try to be aware of my surroundings, especially in my city as I’m walking and trying not to be on my phone and I’ll move aside for that person accordingly. While I don’t mind making the gesture myself to avoid a collision with that person unnecessarily, the fact that they don’t make any attempt to move themselves out of our colliding path or at least acknowledge my presence instead of being on their phone or talking to a friend reflects a clear lack of manners and niceties we should expect from one another when in public.

Sadly, this is not an isolated occurrence in the post-COVID world as manners have declined, niceties are becoming rarer, and kind gestures to strangers are less common than before. When you live in a city or an urban area especially, these manners and niceties help make the day much easier even when you’re dealing with a lot more people around you. In rural or suburban areas, the pace is slower and there are fewer people, so these manners are more enforced and easier to take note of than in cities. However, our societal expectations around manners and niceties need a real refresher in terms of what to do and what not to do in public spaces.

I don’t expect the average person to have much awareness of what’s customary and what’s not customary manners wise because it really hasn’t been drilled into them by their family, friends, or even from school or work in years. Therefore, we really must do the basic work again in our own day-to-day lives of setting the example, educating others when feasible, and working towards establishing public service announcements or at least some consistent leadership from those of us who have a bigger microphone or outreach capacity to others.

What are the signs of a lack of manners and niceties these days you may ask? The list is evolving but these are the ones that I was taught never to do and there are some newer ones with technology that have been added to my list as well. When you think of common niceties that make things better for everyone, think about the following examples: not littering, don’t cut the line, don’t have loud conversations in public if you can’t maintain an indoor voice, returning your shopping cart when you’re done using it, saying thank you when someone holds the door or being that person who holds the door for the next person behind you. When it comes to driving a vehicle, never park in the handicapped spot unless you or someone with you is handicapped, not using the HOV lane on the highway if you’re driving by yourself, and not tailgating someone’s vehicle when you can maintain distance from them safely.

In addition, certain behaviors that are encouraged or tolerated now which should go back to being frowned upon again include wearing proper attire out in public like the gym, the airport, or the conference center. Pajamas, athletic wear, and beach wear have their places too but not where they shouldn’t be tolerated for dress. For example, you wouldn’t wear athletic wear to a church like you shouldn’t wear your flip flops to a boardroom meeting, right? Same with pajamas or athletic wear at an airport in my view. You’re flying to Dallas, not going to Planet Fitness for an intense gym session for those of you who may disagree here about the appropriateness of athletic wear.

Beyond that, it’s about being kind and courteous to others by acknowledging their presence, knowing where they are, and both of you moving aside so as not to knock into each other unwittingly because you were on your phone or you just didn’t care to move, which shouldn’t be controversial to prevent from happening. Wearing earphones or headphones at meetings, on the train, or in public is the bare minimum for mature behavior and not a big ask to lower or turn off unwanted noise or music for others around you. It pains me to say this too, but some people today need a refresher course on basic manners and niceties, and it goes even more so for the increased incidences of shoplifting, graffiti, lying while serving in a public role, cheating, and just not being truthful with either your words or your actions.

I understand that no one’s perfect and I have not been the best at times due to looking at my phone while walking, maybe getting in the way of others unnecessarily, or just not being as courteous as I could in public. I can always get better at niceties and manners and so can you. It starts with being aware of yourself, acknowledging others’ presence around you, and learning about what is common courtesy and what is not.

I don’t think it should be controversial to dress properly, move aside for each other on the sidewalk, or be respectful on the road while driving. Without these manners and niceties being consistently observed, it’s an actual sign of societal decline and we will all be worse off for it in the long run. Once these manners and niceties go away, proper behavior becomes rarer and then it’s harder to go to work, to attend school, or to build any trust with other people. Manners and niceties are the foundation of a functioning society, and we could all use refreshers on what that means nowadays.

A Little Solitude Can Be Good for You

“As much as it is important to socialize and be around friends, it can also be good to be alone, focus on yourself, and enjoy a little solitude.”

Sometimes, it’s good to recharge your batteries alone. We all need real social connection and friendship, that is for certain, but there is nothing wrong with seeking out solitude to enjoy your alone time. Everybody has a different tolerance for how much time alone they can handle before they seek out a social event, gathering, or activity to dust off the cobwebs and not let one’s social skills atrophy. As much as it is important to socialize and be around friends, it can also be good to be alone, focus on yourself, and enjoy a little solitude.

Solitude often has a negative connotation, and it is often associated with having it imposed on you or having it done without consent such as the similar phrasing of ‘solitary confinement.’ That kind of solitude is denigrating to one’s spirit and causes one to mentally break over time. Just like endless solitude is harmful to one’s health, I also think that is true for the opposite side of the spectrum when you are constantly surrounded by other people, some of them mere acquaintances or coworkers for which you are forced to be around and whose company you do not enjoy. There are many forms of loneliness, and it is true that you can be as lonely by yourself as you can in a room full of people who don’t care for you, or you don’t care for them.

If you are around people who constantly want something from you or need something from you, that can be as draining as it is to have no one to talk to or to share life with. Just as a balance of having some social activity is good for you, it is as important to be on your own sometimes and enjoy one’s own company. There have been times in my own life where I have sought to be on my own deliberately, not because I didn’t enjoy being around others, but that I needed the time alone to meditate, to think, to reflect, to problem solve, and to more fully observe the world around me. In extroverted cultures including in the United States, this kind of activity can be thought of as strange or unusual, but I find that my best ideas or my most relaxing moments can be on my own and even when doing nothing but just the art of being present in the world.

We constantly are having our attention pulled to the next meeting, the next call, the next trip, the next gathering that we can forget to take the time to be on our own in whatever form that may take. Solitary kind of activities have gone out of style lately for some people whether that is reading, writing, walking, meditating, or just doing nothing (looking at your phone doesn’t count here). While these things can be done in concert with other people around, these activities are best done alone in my view and help me to recharge so I can be more present and engaged when seeing friends or family members.

You shouldn’t wait on other people to live your life too even if it’s by yourself. If you must be alone for a little while on a trip, at a concert, in the library, and generally out in public by yourself, it is not the end of the world. No one is judging you for doing life solo sometimes and it can be healthy to do so. Rather than giving too many people too little of your attention or having it split too often, why not focus all of your attention on something singular such as the footsteps you take on a walk, the thoughts in your head as you absorb a good book, and the clacking of a keyboard as you work on your novel.

Being alone all the time is not healthy, I want to make that clear, but it’s also not healthy either to be surrounded by people all the time. Part of being a healthy adult is working to have a little solitude, a little social life, and mix it all together to rewarding yet refreshing lifestyle. By being on your own sometimes, you’ll be more reflective, more observant, more self-aware, and treasure those social moments more when you’re more present, more engaged, and happier to have that social muscle stimulated.

I’ve always been an advocate for a moderate and balanced life and that is why solitude should not always be shunned for someone to progress as a person. Our deepest thoughts, our brightest ideas, our healthiest habits aren’t always cultivated around other people, which is why it is important to use one’s solitude to see if you can think deeper, live better, and build more because your attention is focused inwards rather than outwards. Find out what your tolerance for solitude is and then see what it can give you when you’re alone, because you would be surprised how relaxing and necessary it can be, especially when you put that solitary time to good use.