Tag: relationship

Does He or She or It Spark Joy for You?

“Just like keeping a clean house or organizing your closet is what helped American homeowners create joy in their home lives, I fully believe Kondo’s asking of “does it spark joy?” can be reframed for our friendships, relationships, and our hobbies.”

I’ll be honest in that I never really watched Marie Kondo’s famous show, “Tidying Up”, and while I do respect her commitment to reducing clutter and helping hoarders get rid of their extra junk, I am going to focus more on who or what sparks joy for you beyond just household items. Just like keeping a clean house or organizing your closet is what helped American homeowners create joy in their home lives, I fully believe Kondo’s asking of “does it spark joy?” can be reframed for our friendships, relationships, and our hobbies.

You should never want to exert too much effort into someone or something that doesn’t provide ‘joy’ or at least ‘contentedness’ and while ‘joy’ like any feeling is ephemeral, we should work to maximize the ‘joy’ we feel in life. If you are not getting that ‘joy’ at all from that relationship, that friend, or that job, you got to do some soul searching to see if it’s worth the effort involved to keep it going. You can’t choose your family, your coworkers, or even where you live at times so instead of finding ‘joy’ only there, find those things and people that are voluntarily in your life and where you can better evaluate if they are worth your time.

If you find you are spending your limited time with people who are as dull as dishwater or are even putting you down, you need to cast them aside like old clothes that Marie Kondo would want you to discard from your closet. Now, this does not mean being mean, cutting off contact without a reason, or just straight up ending on bad terms, it’s rather about letting them know that the relationship, the friendship, or the hobby you’re doing isn’t worth the effort anymore. Very few things in life are permanent and if it does not spark any kind of joy for you, you should not keep pursuing it to no fulfilling end.

Instead, I believe it is key to find those people or those activities that continue to give you some joy or happiness. I would classify it as giving you a ‘real shot of life’ and making you feel more alive. It’s not an easy thing to be conscientious of but you’ll often know when someone or something is breathing life into you rather than leaving you drained of it.

Not everything or everyone you interact with in life will give you that ‘spark of joy’ or a ‘shot of life’ but your job is to work hard in those interactions that you do control such as a friendship or a relationship to choose wisely and to do so discerningly. Your boss or your tax attorney is rarely going to spark that ‘joy’ but you’re going to have to interact with them regardless because it’s necessary in life. What you can do instead in your free time is to maximize ‘joy’, ‘happiness’ or just ‘fulfillment’ with people, places, and hobbies that make you feel most alive.

It really is a rare thing in our technologically driven, profit maximizing, socially shallow, and standardized daily routine to find those people who leave a big impression on you, but you got to put yourself out there to receive those kinds of connections. Build a life around trying to find interesting people who inspire you, who make you laugh, who you want to learn from, who you enjoy being around, and for you to be the same to them.

Life is too short to be around ‘joyless’ people who you could choose not to be around instead and to commit yourself to prioritizing those people who make you happy or joyful because of how they make you feel. The same can be said of those activities, hobbies, or interests that brighten your day and that you can look forward to. Routine in adulthood is monotonous, contrite, and not joyful, but you can still find those moments, those hobbies, and those people who make your life that much richer and more colorful.

At the end of the day, Marie Kondo had it right. Joy should be the filter through which we decide what stays and what goes in our life. The difference is that life’s clutter isn’t just found in closets or drawers of hoarders whose houses are too full; rather, it’s in the people we chase, the jobs we keep, and the habits we cling to long after they’ve stopped serving us. Maybe the real act of tidying up isn’t just folding shirts; it’s clearing out the emotional junk that keeps us from feeling alive and fulfilled. When you ask yourself what sparks joy as Marie Kondo does to her clients, don’t stop at your wardrobe or your closet. Ask it instead about your world, your personal life, your hobbies and don’t be afraid to get rid of the extra clutter.

Be Careful Of Who You Associate With

“One key trait that is often undervalued is knowing how to spot someone who is not just friendly, kind, and decent but who values this kind of traits and characteristics in other people whom they surround themselves with professional and/or personally.”

A good way to examine someone’s character and moral values is who they surround themselves with. Whether they are a friend, a family member, a public figure, or even someone in the workplace, you can tell a lot about someone based on who they spend their time with or confide in. One key trait that is often undervalued is knowing how to spot someone who is not just friendly, kind, and decent but who values this kind of traits and characteristics in other people whom they surround themselves with professional and/or personally.

You must be able to get comfortable with both analyzing and understanding how other people act and whether their behavior or their personality will not just be good for you but also whether it is good for other people too. It’s often overlooked but being able to assess accurately the character of a man or a woman is key to keeping potential trouble or problems out of your life as a result. It can take a lot of time to really get to the heart of who someone is but if you feel that you want to truly know that person deeply and how they act not only to you but towards other people, it’s important to spend a lot of time around them not only privately but publicly as well to get a real sense of who they are.

Remember that who you surround yourself with by choice reflects either good or bad on you. We can’t choose our family members, but we can choose who are friends are, who we have a relationship with, which work colleagues we mentor or learn from, and our other associates in our network of personal or professional connections, however casual they may be to us. If you don’t take the time to truly assess someone’s moral compass, their character, and their overall behavior, you may be drawn into negative situations or circumstances that could affect your life badly.

Do not put yourself into those kinds of negative situations in life by choice where you could have instead cut ties with the person(s) who were affecting your life poorly. Be able to say ‘no’, walk away, maintain your distance, or cut ties permanently to preserve your own peace and your own moral character. It is extremely important in life to avoid the sycophants, suckups, liars, cronies, fools, toadies, goons, and flunkeys who can make our life much more complicated or worse as a result.

Life is too short to hang around people of poor behavior and character especially when you have a choice in the matter. That is why it is so key to be careful of the people who you associate with freely. I encourage everyone reading these words to take seriously how you size up your fellow man or woman even if it is a casual connection or someone in your general network of connections. Who you surround yourself with says a lot about a person and you do not want your connections or friends or network to reflect poorly on you.

It is often said that a man’s / woman’s reputation is built over decades but can be lost in minutes or hours. Surround yourself with people of moral fiber and good character and your reputation will be positive as a result. There are so many numerous examples of public figures or well-known people in our society who do such a poor job of surrounding themselves with the right people and it harms so many others as a result. People who cannot judge the character of someone well enough should have no business being a leader or overseeing a company, organization, or a country. Judgment of character is a key skill that must be honed over the course of our lives whether it is thinking of having that person as a friend, a romantic partner, or a business associate.

When you can judge character well and find good people to surround yourself with, the benefits of doing so will reverberate throughout your life. You will have much less stress, anxiety, and experience much less negativity as a result. Your own reputation won’t suffer, and you’ll be able to spend time better with those good people creating both positive experiences and the good memories from them. In addition, you want to have people not only of good character and moral fiber but to have people around you who will tell you the truth, tell you what they really think, let you know when you’re messing up, and who will support you during the good times and the bad.

Being around people who lie to you, mislead you, talk about you behind your back, kiss up to you, or act phony around you are not worth the time or the effort to keep around you at all. It takes a while to really get to know someone but if you let people who you don’t vet or don’t really get to know into your life especially your inner, private life, you are asking for trouble as a result. Maybe you will have fewer friends or a smaller professional network because of your own vetting or analysis of people around you but to me, it’s always better to have a few true friends and associates than a bunch of liars, sycophants, and phonies who tell you what you want to hear rather than what you need to hear.

Please be careful of who you associate with whoever they may be. Be sure to know how to evaluate and assess the people in your life and believe in your own intuition of who a person is and whether they deserve to be part of your life. Remember that who you surround yourself with reflects who you are as a person. Don’t try to be everyone’s friend and have suspect people in your life as a result. Find people of strong moral character, vet them well, and make sure you and they continue to do good and be good to themselves and to others in life.

The Importance of Giving Actionable Advice

“Being able to give out actionable advice is a key people skill that will set you apart from other people who dole out advice, but for which is not specific enough, not catered to that person in question, or does not have steps laid out for that person to fulfill.”

It is one thing to give some advice and it is another thing to give actionable advice. What do I mean when I say, ‘actionable advice’? Isn’t all advice ‘actionable’? Not necessarily. You can give someone basic advice that could help them to some degree, but ‘actionable advice’ is about laying out a plan or at least steps from A to Z or at least a few steps in chronological order to help someone achieve a goal, reach an objective, or solve a problem. Being able to give out actionable advice is a key people skill that will set you apart from other people who dole out advice, but for which is not specific enough, not catered to that person in question, or does not have steps laid out for that person to fulfill.

For an example of ‘actionable advice’, if you know someone studying for a professional certification and they need to pass an exam to get the certificate, you can lay out some real advice that could help them step by step. Instead of just telling that person in this hypothetical situation, “good luck and remember to study hard!”, that is basic advice that is redundant at best or insulting at worst because everyone knows they need to study for an exam to pass and they know luck may play a small factor in it, but it’s not helping them any more than they already know they need to study.

In this case, giving ‘actionable advice’ would look like, “hey, I know you’ll study hard but remember to join a study group each week, take 1-2 hours per night to review the exam material, be sure to take a few mock exams to get you ready for the test format, and even make flashcards or practice the concepts with me when you have some free time to do so.” This kind of approach is a perfect example of giving ‘actionable advice’ beyond just to “study hard!” You are really diving deeper with the person preparing for the exam by giving them several ways that they can maximize their study time, improve their knowledge, and show your own investment in them succeeding by asking them about the concepts or questions that may come up on the exam as well as reviewing flash cards with the test taker.

You will really stand out when you give that kind of detailed, actionable advice that lays out a plan for the test taker in this case to improve their odds at success. Most people will stop at the “study hard!” or “good luck!” but if you really care about the person, whether it’s a friend, a family member, or someone you’re in a relationship with, you will want to go further than that to show that you care about them and want to help them to the best of your ability.

When giving ‘Actionable advice’, it comes down to tailoring it to that individual person’s request or need such as acing a job interview, passing a test or exam, planning a trip for a few weeks or a few months, or if they are looking to improve their own finances. Deliberate and meaningful advice involves planning, following through with that plan, and marking your progress each time you fulfill a step or a part of the plan. If you are giving general advice that can be summed up in a few words or a sentence, that advice may help a little but it’s going to be forgotten quickly by the person you’re giving it to, and it won’t easily be remembered.

Taking the time with the person you’re helping means working closely with them, sharing ideas and the plan, holding him or her accountable for if they are following through with the advice, and having hard conversations at times about what their goals, dreams, or objectives really are, and how much they are willing to work for it to succeed.            

Anyone can give ‘boiler plate’ or ‘standard’ advice but if you want to know about who really cares about you and is invested in your success, be sure to give out ‘actionable advice’ instead. If it’s the kind of advice where you’re collaborating with that person, mapping out steps in chronological order to have a full plan, and where you’re ticking off the boxes together along the way in the hopes of reaching the ultimate goal(s) or objective(s), you can rest assured that kind of advice will be remembered for a long time by the person(s) you are helping to succeed.

The next time someone asks you for some advice, don’t ignore them or blow them off. Instead, understand where they’re coming from, what they are hoping to achieve and succeed with, and since they’re coming to you specifically, they really care about your perspective and your past familiarity with what they’re going through. Take the time to help them, build them up, hold them accountable, and chart a path together to help them succeed through sheer hard work and effort.

Call or Text Those Who Matter to You

“You may not think it is a big deal, but I really believe it is one of the kindest things you could do for another person.”

You can tell who really cares about you by those people in your life who take a little time out of their busy days to call or text you. You may not think it is a big deal, but I really believe it is one of the kindest things you could do for another person. They aren’t expecting you to reach out at all perhaps or you have not reached out in a while so they wouldn’t expect any contact, but the fact that you take the time to think of them, to send them a text message or to give them a call, shows just how much they really matter to you.

There are certainly other ways to show your appreciation and care for the people in your life such as meeting them to go out for dinner or for drinks or even a coffee or tea. However, I believe that sustaining a friendship or relationship isn’t just about meeting up every now and then but it’s about actively taking an interest in their life and how they are really doing. Being able to check in on them in a sincere way will make you stand out compared to other people in that person’s life.

Being a simple acquaintance is someone who doesn’t mind meeting up with you but for which you are the one who is always initiating, always reaching out, and always doing the leg work. That kind of one-sided contact can get old after a while as you may enjoy their company but feel as if they never reciprocate or attempt to make plans with you as well. Having a one-sided set up especially if you are always the initiator is what makes that person more of an acquaintance than a friend or a romantic partner. Those kinds of one-sided interactions can be fun and enjoyable, but they don’t have the kind of longevity you should really be looking for.

If you are always the person who is reaching out to call or text them, then good for you on doing so and I recommend it, but don’t let your own kindness and thoughtfulness not be reciprocated at all. Hopefully, the other person will eventually take the hint to do the same for you not just because it is the right thing to do but because they want to do so, and they also care about you. If you are always calling, texting, or making plans, and you don’t mind doing so, you can keep it going if you enjoy that person’s company. Moreover though, if they never reciprocate or show an active interest in your life and it frustrates you to how it is so one-sided, you may need to rethink how often you see or talk to that person.

Kindness should not ever come with an expectation of any reciprocation, but a one-sided friendship or relationship is not going to work out. I still would encourage anyone reading this to not be afraid to check-in with a loved one whether it’s a romantic partner, a friend, or a family member. Don’t expect to always have them to do the same for you but I will say that it’s more likely for them to reach back out to you when you do that for them. You may have to be the first to do so but hopefully you won’t be the only person to do so and they’ll start thinking of you more and wondering how life is treating you.

Whether you are going through good times or bad times, you should call or text those people who really matter to you. It makes a huge difference, more than you would ever think, when you reach out to someone. You are going to brighten their day, improve their mood, or even strengthen the bond or connection you both already have. It truly is a selfless and kind act that we should be encouraging more in our society. If someone knows that you care and are thinking of them, they will feel energized and perhaps a little less sad or lonely as a result.

We may not be able to see that person in person but when you can call or text them to have a conversation, that is the next best thing that you can do. With how much technology has advanced, it’s almost as if they are with you physically and in the room with you. We are all busy and have a lot going on these days in our lives, but a simple call can just take a few minutes and a text message takes less than that in just a few seconds.

Let us strive to be there for one another especially when you know that person is struggling with something or having a rough patch in their life. Reach out to those who matter to you and don’t let it just be you doing it all the time. Make sure it’s a two-way street but if you must take the initiative first, do not hesitate in doing so. Kindness is about caring for one another and making a simple phone call or sending a text message to someone you love or like is the best way to start.

Why You Should Take The Initiative

“A lot of times in life, things won’t be handed to you, opportunities won’t just present themselves to you, and relationships or friendships don’t just form out of thin air.”

A lot of times in life, things won’t be handed to you, opportunities won’t just present themselves to you, and relationships or friendships don’t just form out of thin air. You must be making the effort more often than not to take the initiative to do all those things I just mentioned. It is not easy and can cause you rejection, stress, and even heartache, but if you just expect your life to just progress on its own without putting in the work, you will be sorely mistaken.

Making that initial effort will make the difference as you devote 80-90 or even 100% to get the return you were looking for. You may expect others at work, at school, or in your personal life to meet your half-way or 50/50 after a while but you may find that it’s a running theme in that instead of finding it as being equal or meeting them halfway, it’s likely to be more 60-40 or 70-30 in terms of your effort versus theirs. Now, that does not mean you should be taking the initiative all the time to ask for that promotion, or be open to developing a friendship, or seeking a new relationship but you’ll be better off from driving the effort rather than by taking a backseat.

Having more of the effort initially won’t just make an impression on the person but it will also develop your abilities, your relationships, and your professional / educational future more so than if you had made less of the effort. You should be conscious that the initiative you are taking is worth it and that the time you are putting in gets the result(s) that you are looking for. Your hard work, effort, and perseverance should lead to the other party putting in some conscious effort after a while. If it is just a one-way street in terms of that effort months or years later, I think that relationship, job, or friendship is likely to be doomed to fail.

It would not be fair or just for you to be constantly taking the initiative especially when that person isn’t reciprocal at all or even 30-40% of the way in a friendship or relationship. If you are giving all of the effort and feel like you’re not getting anything back from it, you may be dealing with an ‘emotional vampire’, who you may enjoy their company and like them but the fact that you are putting in all the work to keep things going and them not doing anything to reciprocate is not only a form of manipulation but it is also a sign of someone who only wants to take advantage of you.

They may lack certain qualities including introspection or self-awareness so they may not think they are at fault but if you believe that nothing is going to change, your time and efforts aren’t being valued adequately, and you are not getting as much in return from them, you may need to cut them off or just take a break from being with them or working for them. I encourage proactivity, being extroverted, sociable, and wanting to take on new goals, but if it is draining you and the results professionally or the relations personally you get as a result are not satisfying from that 60-40 or 70-30 set up, it may be best to move on to another person or opportunity.

To cite some examples, if you are good at reaching out to friends or acquaintances and just checking in to see how they are doing or even making the effort to see them and spend time together, that’s a positive initiative to take and shows you care about keeping that relationship going even if it had fizzled out a bit. However, if you feel like you are constantly the one making the calls, setting up the plans, or checking in on them, and they are not doing the same to you on that 30-70 or 40-60 balance that I mentioned, then it may be best to cut back on making the initiative there. If they truly cared about you, they would seek to make plans to see you by their own initiative or they would call to check in every now and then to see how you have been doing. Again, you should not be doing that all the time and if you find that it is becoming a pattern with that person, it may be best to stop seeing them so much since it looks like more of a one-sided friendship or relationship rather than a balanced one.

Another example professionally would be if you’re looking to boost your career and would like to learn new skills, then you should take that initiative with a training or a workshop or a conference that can make you more valuable to your employer. Similarly, if you take it upon yourself at work to learn a new skill by taking courses or attending seminars or providing trainings to others, it should be recognized not only to develop your career but to also further yourself in your role with better compensation or to be promoted to a new role because of the skills / abilities you acquired. If you take the time to volunteer, to be trained, to train, and to become a better worker, your employer or company should realize that it is also not a one-way street so there should be a proper recognition of your having taken the initiative to be more valuable to the firm in question.

However, if you find that after multiple trainings, skills developed, or competencies improved upon, that you are not getting the desired career promotion or compensatory boost, it may be that your initiative, while recognized, is not being formally appreciated. You made the most of the opportunities given but the other party involved doesn’t seem to recognize the new value or abilities you can provide. In this kind of situation, it may be best to start looking elsewhere professionally with those new proficiencies in your work to find a firm, company, or organization who will do their best to meet you halfway or maybe 40-60 so that you know that they care about you staying with them into the future and that your presence is both valued and appreciated, which is actually shown in different ways, a promotion, a raise, or otherwise.

Personally or professionally, you should consistently be looking to take action or initiative to improve your life in either way. However, it should not give the other party free reign to not give anything back in return or to provide their own initiatives or actions for you to take part in after they start it up. If you invite your friend to a barbecue, hopefully they’ll reciprocate in the future by having you over for a birthday party. If you do a skills workshop for a week to improve your competency at work, maybe your company or firm can reward you with a promotion to apply those new skills you picked up. It’s not always 50-50 in life and you may have to do most of the work, especially at the beginning of a new job or friendship. However, if it is you who is giving 100% and them putting in 0% in return on a consistent basis without the other party realizing it, it’s a toxic kind of relationship and you should be cutting ties with that person or entity as soon as possible.

Don’t Look Back In Anger

“Instead of spreading that anger and letting it spread elsewhere, the anger you feel should instead be reversed to acting out in happiness and caring to keep that specific ‘ripple effect’ of anger from spreading.”

Anger is an emotion that we all experience at one point or another in our lives. While it’s inevitable to experience this emotion, but what is especially important is how we use that emotion and how we deal with it. Instead of letting it stir within us or to lash out to that person who angered us or for those close to us who we vent to, I believe it’s best to take that anger and channel it into something positive. Instead of spreading that anger and letting it spread elsewhere, the anger you feel should instead be reversed to acting out in happiness and caring to keep that specific ‘ripple effect’ of anger from spreading.

Instead of taking that anger you receive as a reflection of who you are as a person and letting it bring you down, try to let it reflect not on you but on the person doling it out to make you angry. The anger that they give out is more likely than not about you but about how they are feeling or what’s happened to them before. Anger is not often personal but often about how that person is being treated and instead of breaking the cycle, they continue to take their anger they received and spreading it to other people.

Perhaps in other cases, that person’s anger at you is justified if you did something wrong or erred in some way but their anger is not likely to change your behavior and may backfire if you take offense at their tone. When receiving someone’s anger, it’s important to respond rationally that you understand their frustrations at see what their criticism is about but that you don’t appreciate the way they are going about airing their grievances with you in that manner. It is important to explain that if they are angry about you, they can voice it in a measured tone without yelling or being contemptuous as that will prevent you from taking their anger seriously.

When receiving someone’s anger, do your best to hear them out and to apologize if you were in the wrong but don’t get angry if you can and don’t redirect that anger back or to hold it in you that it affects your mood for days, weeks, or months. As you go through life, you are going to be likely on both ends of anger as an emotion but it’s best to realize that anger is not a good emotion to experience and it’s best to avoid even if you’re frustrated or disappointed or annoyed with someone or something. It’s likely that you will experience anger on your own but to not let that anger grow or linger or eat you up inside. On top of that, if you receive anger whether you feel you deserve it or not, you cannot take that anger from someone else and let it stay with you for very long.

As one of my favorite sayings in English goes, you should not ‘look back in anger’ and to let it consume you. Any anger you’ve had or received needs to fade away and you must let go of it or else it will worsen your life on top of your present and future relationships with other people. Letting go of grudges, not dwelling on past blowups, or forgiving people from wrongful words or actions is a key part of maintaining a healthy attitude towards anger. Part of that attitude towards anger is forgiving yourself for past transgressions related to your anger and then forgiving others as much as possible for their anger towards you, deserved or otherwise. Often, you will have to give people the benefit of the doubt and realize that some people don’t control their anger well or lash out at you or others because they don’t have a healthy attitude towards that emotion.

However, instead of letting others have their anger spiral out of control or to let yourself get angry in response, it’s best to not be angry in response or to just breathe, take time to think it through, and respond in a way that does not let your emotions take control of your words. You should try to prevent yourself from letting your anger get the best of you and to say something to somebody that you cannot take back and ruin your relationship or friendship with them. Noticing that you’re angry with them is enough to at least have a conversation with the person in a mature and measured way without letting that anger boil to the surface.

Quite simply, the anger needs to dissipate, or it will infect other parts of your life and cause you to lash out at other people who don’t deserve your anger or are unrelated to what caused that anger in the first place. You would be better off when you stop holding on to that anger or looking back on it. If you can let it go, let it go completely but if you can’t, try not to think about it and remember that all emotions come and go and that is the way it should be. Anger can be channeled into more productive uses of your life like going to the gym to release the tension, writing your thoughts down and working through your emotions and reflecting why and how your anger came to be, or just talking through your anger with a trusted friend or a family member who you feel comfortable sharing that emotion with.            

Being able to channel your anger into something positive or something worthwhile is a key test of being a mature individual. Anger is a negative emotion but that doesn’t mean it has to go on forever or cause you to be a negative person. Knowing how to deal with it at first, react to it in a measured manner, and then eventually letting it go to leave it in the past where it should remain will help you to not look back on anger and to keep it from reaching the surface of your emotions again. As the famous Oasis song goes for which this blog article was inconspicuously titled regarding how to deal with anger at someone close to you whom you’ve grown apart from, “Don’t look back in anger, I heard you say…, at least not today.”