Tag: personal development

Don’t Rely on Others for Your Happiness

“Happiness is fleeting, comes and goes, and can come from a variety of sources, sometimes unexpectedly. I want you to be sure, dear reader, that you can diversify your happiness as much as possible.”

It’s important that I give my readers a little bit of tough love every now and then. I don’t do it to be negative but to give some advice that may help you out in the future. You can think I am wrong on this one, but I’ll be sure to defend where I’m coming from here. ‘Don’t Rely on Others for Your Happiness’ is what I am wanting to get across to you if nothing else. Happiness is fleeting, comes and goes, and can come from a variety of sources, sometimes unexpectedly. I want you to be sure, dear reader, that you can diversify your happiness as much as possible.

To put it simply, you need to be always cultivating both your internal happiness as well as your external happiness. You cannot have one form of happiness without the other and you should be continually trying to exercise both forms of happiness when you can. Happiness must be experienced, and it can be a futile emotion to pursue. It comes naturally to us, often when we least expect it, and can come from both within us and from those around us. Being happy because someone made you smile, someone made you loved, or even someone made you laugh is just as important as being happy from your own accomplishment(s), your own spirituality, and by being around the right environment.

In my view, happiness should be experienced both internally and externally. It can also be a bit of a balancing act but to neglect your own internal happiness especially or the ability to create your own happiness without others’ input is a key trait that you should always have available to you. If other people can give you happiness and then take it away just as easily without you being able to create that happiness that they took away, then you’re going to be in trouble in terms of your emotional state. Depending on another person or even another thing for all your happiness is a recipe for disaster.

It can be invigorating at first for someone to add on to your happiness by leaps and bounds. You never knew perhaps that you could be that happy or feel as happy as often. You’re basically on ‘cloud nine’ and you owe it to someone else. This can be an emotional kind of apex that gives your life that much more enjoyment and contentedness. While this kind of life event whether it’s a new relationship, a new friendship, or even a new role in society that others rely on you before, it should not take away from your own way to generate happiness internally.

I don’t discourage you from maximizing your happiness but if you rely on someone else such as a lover, a friend, a family member, etc. for all your happiness to be generated then that can lead to a very negative place. You should remember that if someone can give you all your happiness and heighten it to a new level; they can easily take it away just as fast and leave you without any of that emotion left if you let yourself be wrapped up in their adoration, love, or friendship. What I encourage you to remember is that it is good to be happy from what others share with you and what they help you enjoy about life, but don’t let yourself be at the whim of their ability to give you happiness…or not at all.

Always keep some of your own happiness in a personal reserve that cannot be taken away from anyone else regardless of what they mean to you personally. While external validation, love, and warmth is beautiful to enjoy, you should let it be the end all be all your emotional state. It is vital to look within yourself to generate your own happiness even if it comes less often to you or is as not as intense or long-lasting as that external kind of happiness. Internal happiness tends to take discipline, patience, and even action on your own part. It is often not given to you like external happiness but must be done by your own self without any support or encouragement.

When it comes to creating your own happiness, look to yourself to find joy and pleasure in other ways whether it’s a stroll in nature, a goal you’re seeking to accomplish, a new place to travel to and enjoy, or even being able to manage your life well by cleaning your place or by eating healthy. The better you take care of yourself, the happier you’ll be as a result. It’s important to not neglect yourself in your pursuit of happiness externally. Some of the best gratification and contentedness can come from reaching your own goals, having your own unique experiences, or having your own accomplishments that you achieved through hard work and effort.

If you are not able to generate your own feelings of happiness, it is going to be much harder to have external happiness from others as well. If you are not able to laugh, to dance, to celebrate, to enjoy, etc. without it being done with another person by your side, then that is a slippery slope towards not having any happiness at all. While it is great to having both internal and external happiness come together, if you cannot have your own internal happiness first, there is no way in my view for you to have the external happiness to come next. Forming some internal happiness first is the key step to being able to share in being happy with others.

You also should not look to become a total hermit and only take in happiness internally. It is good to share moments of happiness with other people so make sure to get out there once you have that sense of your own happiness that can be generated on your own to seek that external validation within reason to make your life even more content and joyful. To conclude, it does no good for you to have one without the other when it comes to happiness so make sure you work on cultivating both internal and external happiness but if you can only choose one that comes first, make sure you don’t rely on others for your happiness alone and to start with your internal sense of what it means to be happy first.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

“Now, it can be easy to overlook the small stuff because of how tedious and unrewarding the small details or tasks can be sometimes. However, to build up to handling the big things in life, you can’t sweat the small stuff.”

In other articles, I have stressed the importance of focusing on what you have control over in your life and not worrying about what is out of your control. I also have discussed why you should start each day by tackling small you can do to build confidence and belief in yourself such as making your bed each morning or being able to cook meals consistently each week. Now, it can be easy to overlook the small stuff because of how tedious and unrewarding the small details or tasks can be sometimes. However, to build up to handling the big things in life, you can’t sweat the small stuff.

In this post, I am going to focus on how to make the small ‘stuff’ or ‘tasks’ a little bit easier than before. While you may have no choice to get the small stuff done so they don’t become big problems later, I do believe it is easier now than ever to get the small stuff done as quickly and as painlessly as possible without sweating it too much. I am going to cover three different ways where you at home can get the small stuff done and to be done well with no issues. Between automation, making list(s) / calendar tracking, and keeping a consistent weekly or daily routine, you won’t have to worry about the small stuff because you’ll have a system ready to go that is organized and efficient to handle all your menial tasks.

Step 1: Automate, Automate, Automate

When most people think of automation, they think of giant robots handling packages in a factory or a counter where you can order McDonald’s without talking to a human being because they’ve been replaced by an interactive screen; while that is automation, that’s not the kind of automation I am talking about. You can automate many menial or annoying tasks or chores these days with the palm of your hand.

There are multiple mobile applications or websites where you can automate your payments whether its’ your mortgage / rent, your utility bills including Internet, electric, gas, etc. or even when it comes to your retirement, insurance, or other long-term commitments. You no longer need to send a check or use the mailing system to automate these chores or tasks. Bills are among the most annoying of the small stuff that we must take care of but even though we still have to pay them, it’s easier now than ever to set up a system that month to month, year to year, takes care of it for you with minimal effort.

In addition, there used to be a lot more work involved to rent a car, to get your driver’s license, to apply for a passport. I believe many of these tasks, while still tedious involve less bureaucracy than before and are more technologically advanced where you don’t need to go to the DMV, the post office, etc. You can do most of these menial tasks from the comfort of your home and that makes the ‘small stuff’ much less to sweat about.

Step 2: Making List(s) / Track with Your Calendar

Related to automating your small tasks, it’s easier now with the Internet or the digital age in general to create new portable lists or having different kinds of calendars to track your daily, weekly, and/or monthly tasks. You can easily categorize your lists by kinds of tasks whether it’s for errands, bills, family obligations, travel, work items, business tasks, etc. and keep track of what you need to still do with check lists. The best part is with the digitalization, you can keep your lists with you on the go rather than having to carry a notepad or small book with you everywhere you go to remind you of what’s on the list(s).

Similarly, to the digitization of lists, using digital calendars to mark down different work, personal, school, travel, family events is key, and you can also color code them to not mix them up. You can use various applications to set up your calendars and to set reminders, so you won’t forget the tasks, obligations, or other ‘small stuff’ you need to take care of. The best thing about calendars is you can also mark them by time and place and to put them in chronological order to not overlap.

Calendars used to be big sheets of white paper that were physically based and a bit hard to read depending on the person’s handwriting. Now, similar to lists, you can take your calendars with you on the go. It is good for the environment too as you waste less paper too when you put your lists and calendars on your phone or laptop rather than a piece of paper. Just remember to protect your privacy and make sure your personal lists and events remain personal.

Step 3: Stay Consistent with Your Routine(s)

This last step may seem a bit redundant, but you are your own worst enemy or best friend when it comes to keeping consistent with your routines. You can set them up however you want but just make sure they work for getting all the small stuff in your life done well. If you’re better at doing a bunch of things in one day, then you should do it. If you are instead a master at spreading out tasks over a week or even a month, that should be your route to small stuff completion. I recommend going through a trial and error to see if a daily routine or a weekly routine, or even a monthly routine for certain tasks would work best for you.

You should not get frustrated if you need to add to your routine(s) or take things away when you no longer do them. Maybe you prefer automating grocery delivery on a different day instead of going on a Saturday when you have karate practice; you should be comfortable with adapting your routine as new tasks and even new hobbies fill your schedule. The key to consistency is to keep doing what you have to do every day, every week, or every month to keep life going right as much as you can control. Making sure your bills are paid on time, saving up for your rent or mortgage by keeping a set budget, or showing up to your soccer practices each week and not skipping will all make huge differences in your life.

To improve your overall life satisfaction, I believe it’s necessary especially as you get older to embrace these three steps to help you overcome the small stuff that could end up derailing you in life if you don’t take care of them and don’t do so consistently. You may think you only need one out of these three steps, but I think all three steps are great to utilize to some degree.

They also really complement each other as well as you can set your calendar to what bills you pay through an automated application each month and make a routine of following that system you set up for not just a month but a year and beyond. To not end up sweating the small stuff, you got to plan and strategize in advance to make sure you don’t even have to think about the small stuff in the future because you’ll already have planned to have each menial task, chore, or errand set up to be taken care of without waiting until the last minute.

Don’t Let Little Transgressions Become Big Issues

“I would also extend to calling out those transgressions where someone is trying to take advantage of you or doing something illegal or unjust when they know it’s wrong but refuse to do anything about it.”

It can be difficult to step in when it comes to witnessing someone commit a transgression, which goes against societal norms and values. A transgression is an act, often small or basic in nature, that goes against a rule, law, code of conduct and causes offense to others in the society. While you may witness these transgressions as a bystander, you have it within your rights to call it out when you see it within reason. While I am not an advocate for self-policing and calling out random strangers for bad behavior, I do believe that it should be allowed especially in matters of public health and/or safety.

I would also extend to calling out those transgressions where someone is trying to take advantage of you or doing something illegal or unjust when they know it’s wrong but refuse to do anything about it. To give you some basic examples, if you are living in a city or a town and see somebody littering or throwing trash on the ground in front of you, I believe it’s worth calling them out for doing it because your tax dollars are going towards maintaining the cleanliness of your community and for hiring those local employees who help keep the streets clean.

The person causing the offense must be held accountable or at least giving a stern reprimand because while they may think they get away with it, everybody including yourself witnessing it is paying for it in extra tax money or effort to pick that trash up later. When you call out a transgression, be stern, make your point, and move on. It does not do any good to escalate directly with that person since you’re not enforcing the law yourself as your duty but rather express your concern as an ordinary citizen.

Other transgressions that come to mind include not picking up after your pet when they do their daily business, which you should call the person out for if you witness it and to report it after privately if you know where the transgression occurred. Also, another increasingly common one in certain cities is to see a group or a few individuals shoplifting and if you see this serious transgression, let a store person know to apprehend them or even call the police who can catch the individuals if the store or place has cameras.

You must keep your eye out for these kinds of transgressions because if there are no consequences for acts like littering, trespassing, not picking up after your pet, shoplifting, etc. which can result in heavy fines and even mandatory community service, those offenders will feel more emboldened to continue doing so and even commit even more violations of the laws and rules that our society is built on. If some people are abusing these basic morals and values with their transgressions, no matter how small they are, they must be held accountable for them in some form or another.

Think of our society as pillars holding the foundation together that binds us all under the same rules, laws, regulations no matter who we are. When one of those pillars starts to falter, in this case, being when little transgressions go without reprimand or punishment, it can start to crumble the entire foundation and weaken the other pillars as well. When these violators cause infractions and don’t get a stern slap on the wrist or a scolding at least, then they will be emboldened to do it again or even commit worse offenses, which we should be mindful of as a society.

The COVID-19 pandemic made me think about these small transgressions especially when you’re abiding by a mandate on public transportation, for example, and others refuse to abide by the mandate, and for which is not being enforced. When you follow the temporary mandate especially in a bus or on a train and others don’t, it does create a sense of entitlement to for those people who think they are above the rules and that the mandate should not apply to them even when it is a ‘mandate.’ I often ignored those people who would not abide by the mandate but there was one instance where I had to say something when the only people not wearing a face mask on the bus were sitting next to me and it was an entire family. They were oblivious to the fact that everyone else on the bus had a mask on at the time and even the driver had one on. This was before the vaccines were being distributed.

I would rather the bus driver had enforced the mandate himself but if you’re sitting next to me without a mask and I’m abiding by it, I don’t want my health to be put at risk by your lack of acquiescence. It was the only time I spoke out about it to a group of people as it puts you in an awkward spot but when it comes to public health, mask mandates on a bus, train, or a plane at the time should be the same for everybody especially when 90-95% care enough to abide by the temporary measure.

Unfortunately, those who impose the mandates are not able or willing to enforce them, which is doubly annoying for those people who abided by them each time and yet had to see other people flaunt the rules like it was no big deal without being held accountable for it. This kind of transgression is particularly disturbing when you realize that it could have public health consequences and those who set up such a mandate to begin with lacked the follow through or the care to enforce such a mandate making it rather useless and abusable.

Another transgression I’ve noticed is some people jumping the fare gate at the metro system or going in right behind someone who has paid their fare ahead of them and not paying it because they sneak in before the gate closes. That situation happened to me as I paid my fare to enter the metro station and go down to the train like any usual trip and there was a young guy behind me who bumped up right behind me and invaded my personal space. I noticed he came in right behind as I paid the fare and the gate opened for me. I also noted how he didn’t pay the fare since he wanted to use mine without paying his own way. I was mad about this to the point that I sternly reprimanded him and told him that he was abusing the system by not paying his fare like the rest of us.

He made a lame excuse in saying that he was in a rush and had to catch the next train. I kept my cool but informed him sternly that was not an excuse to not pay his fare and that some of us pay taxes and the fares each time to keep the system running well. The offender didn’t get it, of course, and weaseled his way onto the next train and I kept my distance from him. Sadly, he is a violator of the metro system like others who feel like they can jump the gate or not pay by bumping up against someone like me who pays each time.

These hooligans who do it unfortunately don’t get fined or reprimanded by the metro system officials very often, if at all, which is quite unfortunate and even detrimental to the larger society. When fare-beaters and anti-maskers get away with breaking the rules without consequences, it makes the rest of us sad that we are carrying all the weight for them, and they are mooching off the system based on mutual trust, benefit, and adherence.

As I mentioned earlier in the article, the rules and laws are meant for everyone and when the smaller ones are abused or not followed, these transgressions can lead to bigger issues in the general society. It leads to a lack of trust, a breakdown in norms, and an inability to keep track of how many people are abusing the basic laws and standards that keep the society running well. It erodes the pillars over time that keep the foundation of our shared society afloat. I’m not arguing for self-policing since that tends to not solve anything, but we need stricter enforcement for everyone to avoid these little transgressions, so they don’t lead to bigger problems that form later for all of us when the accountability and transparency is gone.

Finding Your Place of Zen

“What do I mean by finding your place of Zen? Well, I am glad that you asked. A place of Zen is your own little corner of the Earth where you can relax, think to yourself, listen to the birds or the trees or the whistling of the wind.”

In an increasingly fast-paced and tumultuous world, it can be quite difficult to find a place of calm, quiet, and serenity. You may find you are in a big city or a large town and can’t have a moment’s worth of peace.

You are also being constantly bombarded by visual stimuli through the forms of advertisement, phone pings, car honks, and loud talking. You can’t seem to think through all the noise that you are constantly surrounded by without a needed pause. It can be almost impossible to get away from it all unless you are actively looking for a place of Zen.

What do I mean by finding your place of Zen? Well, I am glad that you asked. A place of Zen is your own little corner of the Earth where you can relax, think to yourself, listen to the birds or the trees or the whistling of the wind. Only you and you alone know about it, and you only decide to share it with those people closest to you, if anyone at all. It can be a pond or a lake or a bay dock. It can be a mountain overlook or a nearby stream. It can even be a field of grass tucked away from sight and for which you only know how to reach. If you are really being creative, even going up in a tall tree or taking some time out in the desert sands may be your own place of Zen.

The key word to keep in mind here is the ‘Zen’ involved. Does your own place that you can seek out serenity or calm or quiet give you a bit of inner peace? Does it quell your anxieties, your fears, or your doubts? Does it allow you to think deeply about your past, your present, or your future or generally whatever is on your mind?

If the answer to all these questions is a strong ‘Yes’, then you have found your place of Zen. Just 5-10 minutes there will improve your day in my view. I believe that we all need some time alone to recharge, to destress, and to come back better than ever after taking a break in our place of Zen. If you have a few minutes per week or ideally each day to visit this place of Zen, you will be better off for having been able to go there.

‘Zen’ involves total concentration, total awareness, and a dedication to come back there again and again. If you are not consistently able to go there and is out of reach for you, then you should consider finding a new place. To maintain that Zen beyond your own special place and to stay calm, cool, and collected when you are not actually there, you must be able to visit there at least once a week. I do not think it is enough to only go there once a month or once every other week, you should be able to take the time and the effort to go there at least once a week to get the various positive results out of your visits.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to keep your place of Zen a secret to others. The world can be a crowded place sometimes and we all need our own little space to think, to relax, to observe, and to reflect without anyone joining us. It’s important to have our own secret space to come back to and find if anything has changed there besides you as you go through the years of your life.

I have written before about how ‘a walk in the woods’ has been beneficial to my life and how it has calmed me, kept me centered, and allowed me to reflect. I have found my own place of Zen that I hope to have for many years to come. You can have more than once place of Zen if you’re lucky but if you find other people constantly there or intruding on your time spent there; it may be best to find a new place to find that brings you Zen-like relief. The good thing is that if you’re reading this article, you already crave to have that special place to call your own where you can be more Zen-like and improve your life at the same time. Zen does not come to those who do not seek it out to begin with.

While the world is likely to get more chaotic, more unpredictable, and perhaps more crowded as well, having our own place of quiet, serenity, and peace that only you know and appreciate will become even more important. The world can be a rough and tumble place where it is not easy to catch your breath, to refocus yourself, to be at ease, and to relax fully in the quiet around you but I believe it is vital to do your best to find your own place of Zen. It may not be easy to do so but I think the journey to find that place of Zen will be worth the effort you put into it. Good luck.

Sedona

Camera: iPhone 12

Location: Sedona, Arizona, United States

The Fruits of One’s Labor

“The song is called ‘Victory Dance’ by My Morning Jacket and whose lyrics directly address the earned happiness and contentedness after a day of struggle through a hard day’s work.”

One of my favorite song lyrics deals with the satisfaction of another day worked and to see the fruits of one’s labor enjoyed at the end of the day. The song is called ‘Victory Dance’ by My Morning Jacket and whose lyrics directly address the earned happiness and contentedness after a day of struggle through a hard day’s work.

“Hope to watch the victory dance after the days’ work is done
Hope to watch the victory dance in the evenings setting sun…
Hope to watch the victory dance over many lives to come…
Hope to watch the victory dance in the evenings setting sun.”

The ‘victory dance’ could be interpreted as a metaphor for a celebration or a relaxation or a general happiness that comes over you at the end of the working day. Regardless of the work involved, at the end of the day or the week or even the year, you can be able to look back with pride and satisfaction in your ability to ‘dance’ or enjoy the fruits of your labor in the evening or night or whenever your work is done.

The key lyric I can relate to is that the work may be done for the day, but it will continue for many ‘lives’ or ‘years’ to come. While the work you did today was hopefully meaningful or valuable, your progress will need to continue in the future so you can keep enjoying the ‘victory dance’ in whatever form you celebrate or take stock of what you were able to do.

Fruit takes time to grow and to be at its most ripe for eating and the same goes for our labor. While labor or work can be evaluated on a day-to-day basis, real progress in our labor whether it’s a business, a corporation, or a conglomerate, that kind of work can take years, decades, or even generations to build. You can enjoy a ‘victory dance’ for any kind of daily labor you can put in because of the progress made, but a key point as highlighted in this song by My Morning Jacket is that you really should try to enjoy the ‘victory dance’ for “many lives to come”, which I interpret as years to come or even over the generations from one family member to another.

Long-term progress requires ‘lives’ or ‘workers’ to build over the years or decades so it’s important to not celebrate too early or to ‘dance’ too early because the fruits of your labor should not be enjoyed too prematurely but rather when the moment is right or when the fruit is all ripe. Fruit, like one’s labor, takes time to enjoy so it’s best to be patient and work hard over time rather than to try to rush the process to enjoy ‘the fruits’ prematurely rather than when things have progressed to a finished point and even then, there is always room for further progress and improving in one’s work.

Another few of the lyrics from ‘Victory Dance’ that I really enjoy is the emphasis on trying out whatever labor may be best for you to thrive, or for which is done out of necessity to survive. It is key to adapt to the labor required of you or which is most available at the time since the ‘fruits’ will be just as enjoyable at the end of it. If you are committing yourself to ‘labor’, which inevitably involves struggle, either mentally or physically, the rewards or ‘fruits’ will likely be worth it because of that same ‘struggle’ involved.

“But you should work, for the self and the family
Should I hit the water or stay on dry land, even though I never swam?
Take machete into the brush, though at first there is no path
Taste the warpaint on my tongue as it’s drippin’ with my sweat
Place my gaze in the futures path, seein’ things that aint come yet.”

Your labor or work is not just for your own fruits as the lyrics state above. It’s also for your family or for the people who depend on your labor. They must share in the ‘fruits’ as well beyond your own needs and desires. Needing labor to survive and enjoy the fruits of life’s necessities such as food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. will sometimes force us to get out of our comfort zone as well. As the lyric above suggests, we often must test our limits to secure labor to have the ‘fruits’ in life. We may have to swim even when we have never swum before, but labor will require learning both new abilities and skills to be good at what we do.

You may have to learn those new skills to secure labor to do or to have work for the future. You should leave your comfort zone such as learning to swim, or to hike, or to hunt, or to lift heavy things or to use your mind to solve problems.

Whether it is a machete or a screwdriver or a keyboard, you are going to have to ‘clear a path’ with your labor even as the song says, nothing was there before. Creating something or making something out of nothing is a key part of being able to enjoy those fruits later by the work of sound mind or a good body.

Lastly, you may be physically challenged in your labor especially if there happens to be conflict as the song alleges. You may not know it, but you may be asked for labor of national importance or survival such as in times of peace but also in warfare, and you may have to provide service as part of your labor not for yourself but for community or for country as well. The final lyric in particular sums up why we labor for our fruits to begin with to plan for an uncertain or unknown future.

We may not have planned to do certain types of labor or work but regardless of if you’re an engineer, a blacksmith, or a doctor, you may be asked to do other types of work that you will have to both learn and then be proficient at. One must always be prepared to do other kinds of work to stay agile, be flexible, and plan for the unexpected such as a war or conflict that you did not see coming but you may be forced into fighting as the reluctant warrior in the song lyrics.

To secure the fruits now and for later as well will help to make sure that our collective labor will not have been for nothing. When your secure labor for yourself to do, you cannot work forever so it is important to think of the future and how to plan to have those ‘fruits’ not just for today, next year, but for the rest of your life too.

The Power of Saying ‘No’

“As much as we like to say ‘yes’, it’s important to know that saying ‘no’ is just as important and even just as powerful.”

There is nothing wrong with saying ‘No’ to someone else. Saying ‘No’ has a negative connotation but it can be worth its weight as much as saying ‘Yes.’ There is a main reason why we have both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ in English language vocabulary. There are times in our life when we can say ‘yes’ but we also have to moderate our impulse to say, ‘yes’ to things, people, and other commitments by balancing it out with the ‘no’s.’ As much as we like to say ‘yes’, it’s important to know that saying ‘no’ is just as important and even just as powerful.

When it comes to saying ‘no’, you do not want to overdo it either but it’s best to moderate your ‘no’s and to pick when and where to use that word. As you get older in life, the ‘no’ should be more often and the key hump to get over is to have any shame or remorse for saying ‘no.’ Psychologically, it’s much easier to say, ‘yes’ than it is to say ‘no’, but I would argue the ‘no’ needed to happen rather than a false ‘yes.’ Often, a truthful ‘no’ will be much better for you and other people than a fake ‘yes’, which could do much more harm. People don’t like to hear ‘no’s’ but rather than to embellish people with false yes’s, you must be firm with them and make the ‘no’ part of your vocabulary with them, even if they are friends or family of yours.

While others would not like to hear ‘no’, it is best not to lead them on when you’re not interested in anything related to business to doing favors to getting into a relationship. Honesty is part of the power of saying ‘no’ and if that person truly values you, they won’t be bothered by hearing the ‘no.’ A good litmus test for knowing how much someone cares about you is their reaction when you are bound to tell them ‘no’ at some point for one reason or another. If they give you a hard time in giving them a sincere ‘no’, it may be best to not be around them as much. The person(s) you say ‘no’ to, even if they are family or friends, should be mature and responsible enough to take the ‘no’ well and to understand that the ‘no’ itself is not a reflection of them as people but what they may be asking or telling you to do. If you disagree, have reservations about, don’t find it appealing, or don’t have time for it, it is best to say ‘no.’

When you tell other people ‘no’, you should always be firm but also do be as gentle as possible. It does not have to lead into a confrontation or an argument either. A good ‘no’ can be followed up with ‘that’s the way I feel’ or ‘sorry but it’s not possible, or ‘that is not something I’m interested in.’ Saying ‘no’ should never be seen as being disrespectful, rude, or condescending because it does not need to be as such. If you want to still be on good terms with someone like a friend or family, you can express your regret or disappointment on having to say ‘no’ depending on the ask or request. You don’t have to do that, but it can soften the blow, which may be important in salvaging the relationship or friendship for the long-term. In that relation to the other person or people, if the ‘yes’s outweigh the ‘no’s, the ‘no’ won’t be as big of a deal too. They should balance each other out but it is good to mix them up in order to have no ‘no’s at all or too many ‘yes’s back to back.

Most importantly, having the power to say ‘no’ not just every now and then but whenever you feel like it is crucial. You should not feel nervous or anxious about saying ‘no’ and to be ready to do so at any time. As we get older, we must be prepared to say ‘no’ more and more often. Time is limited as well as the chance to foster relationships, friendships, or job / business opportunities. If something does not sound that appealing to you at first, it’s best to have a firm ‘no’ for it rather to waste either your time or your money.

It’s likely in life that you’ll regret the ‘no’s you didn’t say rather than the ones that you did say ‘no’ too. There are plenty of charlatans, liars, scammers, fakers, and crooks out there and you need to be ready to say ‘no’ to them. Instead of saying ‘yes’ too many times, be more comfortable in saying ‘no’ especially if your heart, mind, or body are not into the idea. Unless you are enthusiastic or thrilled by the idea, thing, or even the person, a preemptive ‘no’ will make you better off in the long run. There is a power in saying ‘yes’ but there is also an equal if not more important power of saying ‘no’ especially if you are worried about losing precious time or valuable money or other resources.

Most of all, you should do your best to think deeply or weigh the ‘yes or no’ decisions as much as possible. Lose the impulse to give either a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ quickly unless you do not have the time or place to think it through first. Not controlling your impulses when it comes to saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ can cost you both in the short-term or in the long-run. Be sure to have the power to say ‘no’ but remember to think it through carefully first before giving the ‘no’ to someone or something. Also, as I mentioned before, please be sure to phrase the ‘no’ in a polite or respectful manner. It’s not so much that you said ‘no’ at all but if you do it in the wrong way or with the wrong tone, you may risk losing that person or thing you care about forever.

The Importance of the Heart-to-Heart Conversation

“Heart to heart conversations is called just that in English because they come from a good place…”

It can be hard these days to have a genuine one-on-one conversation with someone else. With all the distractions in our daily lives, our rush to get things done, our need to have instant gratification, it can be increasingly harder and harder to take a step back to take stock of what’s important in your life including the family and the friends closest to you. I believe this cheapens the kind of conversations we can have with those closest to us due to our other pressing concerns in life, but it is important to prevent those relationships from being shallow by engaging in those heart-to-heart conversations. While difficult and not easy to do, they are often the most rewarding.

Real conversations are different in the sense that they are go over topics that may be uncomfortable yet gratifying, ones that may sting a little but whose honesty cut through the fake compliments or the trivial topics that so often guide our discourse with others. Heart to heart conversations is called just that in English because they come from a good place and while those kinds of topics addressed are not all sunshine and rainbows, these conversations are vital in their importance and can often help the people involved to feel better about their lives or at least their current circumstances.

Shallow and often fake conversations focus on the trivial and inconsequential. They often don’t get to the ‘heart’ or who someone is, where they are in life, or where they plan on going. It’s good at times to have light conversations about the weather, sports, or the latest fashion trend. However, those kinds of conversations do not really drive a relationship forward and are often built on a foundation of sand. I say this because friendships that focus on those kinds of topics don’t really address important matters and thus cannot really create a strong relationship of mutual trust and understanding.

You may have a friend who is a big sports fan such as yourself and you enjoy going to basketball games together and like to talk about who your favorite players are but if you never actually broach other topics that touch upon that person’s life, then they aren’t really a true friend in my view. If you can’t have a heart-to-heart beyond a few shared interests, then that is not a strong relationship that is going to last a while. It may be good to start with basketball as a primary part of one’s friendship but the longer you get to know someone, you should discuss other things with them such as talking about where they grew up, what their family is like, what they enjoy doing for their profession or for fun, what their goals or dreams may be, and even what they worry about or what they want to improve upon in their lives.

Those kinds of conversations really build a much more solid kind of foundation of a friendship or a relationship and will last a lot longer than just talking about the same topic repeatedly. In these heart-to-heart talks, it may be awkward at first as most people are shy and wary about letting their personal barriers down but once you can with their permission, you can really build up a positive relationship especially if you both are open and vulnerable to each other. In a heart-to-heart, you should not be sarcastic or dismissive but rather to listen intently, ask questions, let the other person express themselves and while you can be honest with them in response, don’t try to judge them too much but rather as the popular saying goes, try to think of what you would do in their shoes.

I believe it is also important to be direct with that person once you start to open up with one another and to not simply ‘beat around the bush.’ Express your true point of view and tell them how you would approach the situation whether it’s trying to accomplish a goal, or sorting out a personal manner, or trying something new that is stressing the other person out. Always listen first, ask good questions, and then give your most honest response back, which even if they disagree, the person you’re having the heart-to-heart with should value your feedback and be appreciative that you listened to them on a serious topic.

In my view, Heart-to-heart conversations are so utterly lacking in our culture that when they do happen, it is a shock for most people because they never have received that kind of candid or honest feedback that’s been missing from their lives. It allows those who engage in the conversation to evaluate their options more, weigh the advice or feedback given, and perhaps make a wiser or better decision from having good counsel from a serious friend or family member who is doing their best to look out for your interests.

It is beneficial to seek out people in your life who are acquaintances and look to see if they are capable of a heart-to-heart conversation. If you prefer to have talks on trivial topics only, you can do so but I think you truly only grow as an individual when you spend time with people where you can broach serious topics with and not be rebuffed for doing so. It is a sign of a true friendship or a good family relation when you can let your guard down to discuss something that happened to you, either good or bad, and that person will not judge you right way or shut you down without hearing all that it is that you have to say to them.

Having mature and responsible friends and family members around to talk about serious topics including even politics, religion, philosophy on life, finances, etc. are vital to helping to make you a much more well-rounded person too. These topics are not easy to discuss but ignoring them entirely or not having anyone to reach out to discuss them from time to time can be detrimental to a person’s well-being in terms of their own growth or cause them to seek out advice from people they don’t know or worse who would try to take advantage of them instead.

It goes without saying that a mature adult should be responsible for forming those serious friendships and relationships with their own initiative, but they should also get the same back from that person who is open to having heart-to-heart talks. You may not like to hear what they say to you or like the advice being given but at least you are getting that kind of feedback in the first place on a serious topic beyond sports, reality TV, or celebrity gossip. It is a good feeling to have someone who can be relied upon when you have a major decision to make and want some counsel, or when you are going through a hard time and have someone to reach out to. Those kinds of conversations are increasingly rare in our society, but they are perhaps the most important kinds of conversations to have and for which you’ll often be better off for having had them in the first place.

Do yourself a favor and start to think of those people in your life who you’ve only had shallow conversations with and begin to probe a little bit to see if you can discuss more serious or personal topics with. It is likely to be a slow-moving process and that’s okay. However, the more you get to know someone, the easier it should be to form a real friendship based on mutual trust and respect and for which heart-to-heart conversations should be a natural result. I think your mental health will also be much better off knowing that you really have someone like a friend or a family member who you can talk honestly with and have a real conversation on life, love, failure, success, goals, happiness, etc., which you would not discuss with the average acquaintance or new contact.

The Heart-to-Heart conversation is the toughest one that you can have in life, but it is also the most important to have with someone else. If you neglect it, I believe you are likely to be worse off than before but if you start having them from time to time with someone who you value, there is no reason to think why you wouldn’t have a better life from having had them.

The Utility of Making Lists

“A key productivity hack that really works wonders in our fast-paced, modern era, which involves both discipline and consistency is to make a list. It is also an excellent habit to build upon and one that only requires your laptop and a ‘notes’ application or just a simple pen and piece of paper.”

A key productivity hack that really works wonders in our fast-paced, modern era, which involves both discipline and consistency is to make a list. It is also an excellent habit to build upon and one that only requires your laptop and a ‘notes’ application or just a simple pen and piece of paper. Lists have a reputation of being tedious and time-consuming, but what is actually more time-consuming is spending minutes or even hours trying to remind yourself what tasks or items you actually have to do.

List making is a good habit to build upon for a number of reasons. You hold yourself accountable and there is no shirking away from what you have set for yourself. The biggest misconception when it comes to lists is that they are all the same and focused on a to-do list. You can make lists for other reasons ranging from your progress at the gym with different weights you’ve lifted and what you hope to accomplish next to your future goals in life and what you hope to do in your ‘bucket list.’ Lists not only involve things you have to do whether its grocery shopping, what bills you have to pay, or what errands you have to run but also what career / business goals you have, what your exercise regimen looks like or where you hope to travel to in terms of next destinations.

Making lists is part of exercising that daily discipline that you need to have in order to put yourself on a path to success. It’s easier to accomplish your goals or your tasks when you remember what they are. You may have an amazing memory and feel you don’t need to have any lists at all but having that reminder especially if you have a due date for a pending school assignment or a work task can really help you especially if your memory fails you, which is always possible.

The impact of technology in our lives has made our attention spans that much more limited or distracted so I believe that the utility of lists has increased in response. There are many more things on our plate that we have to pay attention to that we may not have time to remember them all. Lists can help us organize these tasks from most urgent to least urgent and give us some peace of mind since you would likely have these lists stored in a place such as in an application on a computer or in a folder if you’re more traditional with pen and paper.

Not only do lists help to organize our lives, our goals, and our tasks, but lists also hold us accountable just by the fact that they make clear what you have done or what you have not done. There is no arguing with a list because you have either done it or not done it. You can indicate in a list your progress towards the goal or the task but it’s better to simplify it to be blunt to ask of you whether the item is completed or not. If it isn’t done yet, you can go back to it to see how much you have left to do, whether it’s been started yet, or how much you have left to finish. That kind of blunt accountability, which can be lacking in our society, is going to be staring you right in the face, so there is really no hiding from a list because it does not sugarcoat anything or try to come up with an excuse.

I also would like to point out that making too many lists can hinder you from achieving all you would like to get done each day, each week, or beyond. You should be careful not to make too many lists or have too many notes where you start to forget what actually is most vital to get done. I would recommend instead to make one list only for a specific part of your life such as one for exercise, one for work, one for business, one for errands, and perhaps one for future goals. That’s five lists right there on a specific subject so not to become too cluttered or difficult to implement. Lists can help you out a lot up to a point but can become burdensome when you have a dozen lists for ten different parts of your life.

In any list you make, focus on a main goal you wish to achieve for the day and then start to branch out to include weekly tasks and then long-term goals that may take months. Organizing an individual list around immediate, medium-term, and long-term tasks is an effective way to stay on top of each part of your life that will need attention. Having five lists, for example, can be helpful too where you might start the day looking at your exercise task(s) to complete, then move on to work/school, then see about errands, and then see what future goals you are working towards that you can start on. Organizing lists is about as important as making lists to begin with and it’s very important not to make too many lists where you feel like you can’t keep track of them all or have too long of a list where it distracts from your other lists that you’re working on.

You may be thinking to yourself right now, why do you care about making lists so much and why have lists at all? Having list(s) is about building structure in one’s life. You can create good habits from following your lists and you can organize your life in a meaningful and productive way. Also, you alone can hold yourself accountable with lists as it’s only you who knows about the list and is responsible for completing the goals and the tasks that you set up for yourself. No one else is going to hold your hand so it’s up to you alone to be reliable, responsible, and solely in charge of ultimately crossing those important items off your list(s) to help make your life a better, happier, and healthier one.

What We Need vs. What We Want

Understanding that you must be able to divide up the two categories fairly and also be able to balance them healthily with our seemingly limitless desires at times is key to being a fully formed individual.

A key part of adulthood is being able to know the differences between knowing ‘what we want’ vs. knowing ‘what we need.’ Understanding that you must be able to divide up the two categories fairly and also be able to balance them healthily with our seemingly limitless desires at times is key to being a fully formed individual. As children, we are taught to temper our desires to manageable levels and to remember to not be selfish especially when it conflicts with the needs of others.

We are flawed as humans in that we often let our wants overtake our immediate needs and that we cannot distinguish the two in terms of actual importance. I may want a new suit but if I only have so much money, do I really need it? Am I being selfish by buying a suit when I already have a perfectly good one at you? These questions are especially important to pose when you have limited money or time to contribute towards either your needs or wants. What we focus on each day shows us if we care more about ‘needs’ or ‘wants.’

It has to be non-negotiable in your own life how your needs come first and will always come first. Your wants have to be considered in terms of whether you actually need them and how much they will actually add that much to your life. When it comes to your wants, you should not only be thinking about their utility in the short-term but also in the long-term. Will you be that much better off not just a day later, a week later, or a year later when you satisfy those wants? A short-term want will be fleeting and may end up not even be worth it whereas a long-term want like starting a business, getting your degree, or moving overseas are often worthwhile investments and satisfactory wants that will put you ahead in your life. If you do want to fulfill your wants, they should be in the interest of you moving forward, learning new things, and developing your interests.

Short-term wants are good every now and then like a new bicycle, a nice meal out with friends, or a trip to a day spa, but the gratification will be short-term, and you can’t rely on those wants to fulfill you in the long-term. Long-term wants are harder to achieve but they often have higher levels of satisfaction. These wants aren’t automatically given to you and you have to work for them but it’s often worth the effort more so than just things being handed to you automatically. Your wants have to be kept in moderation too because if you let your wants overwhelm your needs, you may be left with less than you had before. An adult keeps their wants in check and prioritizes their needs first to make sure that their life is headed in the right direction. Long-term gains have to always take priority over short-term gratification, which may give you happiness but won’t give you fulfillment in the long run.

Your needs in daily life should always come first in terms of securing them. Whether it is water to drink, clean air to breathe, food to eat, and a roof over your head; they are all part of the equation to keep you in good spirits and in good health. Do not let your wants take away from your immediate needs because when it comes down to it, your wants may come and go but your needs are your needs and that never really changes. Abraham Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs’ was pretty much on the money in terms of distinguishing what are most urgent needs are and beyond that, what could be considered wants. We have the physical needs of eating, drinking, sleeping, maintaining homeostasis (not too warm or too cold) but beyond that, we start to go into the wants territory of seeking out self-actualization as well as having a steady purpose in life.

We all need human connection along with friends and family who care about us but that is not given to everybody and that kind of need is something that you have to work for and what you have to ‘want’ in a way. We all need safety and security to carry out our lives but that is something that we have to work towards to and that is not guaranteed when we are born. What we need may not been given to us like friends and family or the security of a place we live in and we may have to take action to turn those needs into a reality by wanting them badly enough.

In Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Needs’, our basic needs must be taken care of first as the pyramid shows us but then you have our psychological needs such as love, relationships, friendships, and feelings of accomplishment and goal-setting. As you go up the pyramid, you get into the ‘self-fulfillment’ needs category of achieving our potential, reaching our set goals, and becoming the best version of ourselves through self-actualization. This category is tricky, but we may feel that we need to be fulfilled that way; how hard are you willing to work to achieve that and how much do you really want to achieve it?

I would argue that our basic needs of food, drink, shelter, warmth, etc. are real needs but our psychological or self-fulfillment needs are different in that while each of us need them in our life, they are really ‘wants’ that you have to earn and to work for. Our basic needs are not given to us either, but they are of such urgency that we will do almost anything to have them guaranteed and it often subsumes our other ‘needs’ like love, friendship, or career goals.

What we need to live is our number one priority. Everything after that is supplementary in life. What we want Is important but it’s clear that our wants are endless at times and we need to prioritize with our limited time and/or money what matters to us most to achieve or to have. Being able to prioritize while understanding this internal battle is key to being a fully formed individual capable of holding our wants at bay while getting our needs taken care of.

Lastly, it is important to distinguish between short-term needs and long-term needs. Short-term needs should always take priority over long-term needs, but you can work towards both at the same time. You can hunt for food and still have companionship with a loved one at the same time. You can watch your vegetables grow while you’re studying for your next course exam or replying to emails. However, if your immediate needs are unmet or neglected, your long-term needs will have to take a backseat because they are just not as critical as what short-term needs are in terms of daily occurrence. You need to eat and drink water a lot more than you need to see your family and friends as an adult. I’m sure you would love to see them every day but it’s more likely you would see them once a week or a month or maybe less if you’re really busy.

Your immediate needs can be balanced with long-term needs, however, if you can’t cook for yourself, make money to support yourself, or be able to clean and take care of yourself physically, not many or very few of your long-term needs can be met after. As an adult, you need to take care of the daily details before you can reach your lifelong dreams and goals. What we need vs. what we want is a constant battle taking place in our mind. If we don’t pay attention to how to win this battle by trusting in our innate knowledge of what we are capable of doing to achieve them one by one and what are healthy priorities to focus on, you won’t be able to get very far in life with either your needs or your wants.